Wake Up Your Emotionally Unavailable Man

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I’m going to let you in on a secret that will allow you to instantly identify a good guy from an “unavailable” man who might seem great at first… but who would turn into another dead-end relationship guy.

What I’m about to tell you will help you avoid the pain and frustration of getting mixed up with the wrong guy – or figure out EXACTLY what to do if you suspect you’re already dealing with an “unavailable” man right now.

Let me ask you…

How well do you understand all the things that are going on inside a guy’s head when he does that  whole “withdrawal” thing? I’m talking about when you’re dating a guy who SEEMS like a great catch, and even acts and talks like he’s really “into” you or cares about you…

But when it comes to the moment where he is supposed to share how he feels about your relationship, or commit to something more serious or long-term, he coughs up one of those stupid “standard” responses that must have come out of some dumb bachelor handbook.

You know, those one-liners like:

“I’m just not ready to settle down.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“I’m feeling pressured.”

“My life just isn’t where it needs to be for me to settle down yet.”

Huh? What are you supposed to do when you hear this nonsense?

And what in the world is going on in men’s heads when they act excited to be with you one day, but then put the brakes on fast when things start to get SERIOUS the next? And tell me if you’ve ever noticed this piece of work that men come up with all the time…

A man will want to get close and intimate with you and ASK YOU for more of your time. Maybe he takes you out on a great date, or on a short trip, and you spend one or two days alone just the two of you… and things are AMAZING.

You can’t remember feeling so close and comfortable with a man.

But then it happens…

You get back from your time alone together and next thing you know he’s more DISTANT and WITHDRAWN from you than he’s ever been.

What in the world is going on here? And why is this so common with men that it’s happened to you and literally thousands of other women?

Well, I have a CONFESSION to make. I used to be this kind of man. I’ve done these things with women. And I’ve been friends with lots of men who have acted just like this.

I’ve also heard hundreds of stories from men AND women that are oh-so-familiar and have this same story playing out in them.

My point is… I’ve LIVED this from the perspective of the “unavailable” man. And since then, I’ve had the opportunity to look past this and see how and why this situation comes up for so many women.

A few years back I came to a realization about why men act this way, and I’m going to share it with you in this e-mail.

It’s about the real reasons behind all those lame excuses men make.

It’s about why men run and hide whenever they confronted with anything to do with REAL feelings from a woman.

It’s a DARK SECRET that so many single men harbor and try to keep from women like you. I’m talking about the kind of selfish, unavailable and emotionally disconnected men who have no real intention of building a lasting and loving future with a woman.

But they get deeply involved anyway… just for the short term emotional, social and physical “benefits”. Know the kind of guys I’m talking about?

Guys who at first seem considerate, fun, interesting and smart.

But something else… something DARKER… is going on beneath the surface.

And even your GUT FEELINGS tell you that something is “off”… but there’s so much that’s good that you can’t pull yourself away from the CONNECTION you feel.

Here’s where most women make a huge MISTAKE in the way they approach TALKING to the guy and sharing their feelings.

This mistake takes what could become the start of a great relationship and brings it to an ugly and abrupt end because the man will pull away and leave… before the relationship ever had a chance.

I call this mistake “The Danger Of A Connection”.

It goes like this- You meet a great guy, you both hit it off, and there’s AMAZING CHEMISTRY. And not just that, but the deeper emotional and personal connection you share tells you it’s not just something like a fling… but that there’s a lot more here.

You keep dating this man and each time you go out or get together it’s as though you’ve known each other forever- even though it hasn’t been  long at all.

But then little things start to happen that seem a little “off” to you.

He starts acting in ways that show he isn’t really in it for something serious. Or he starts saying things that show he isn’t thinking of this as the RELATIONSHIP you are experiencing and sharing with him.

Or worse… you get the distinct feeling that he doesn’t seem to understand what a big deal it is that you’re both being physical and sexual together.

Instead, he seems to feel very “casual” about it. He enjoys being with you… but he just isn’t doing things that say BOYFRIEND or  RELATIONSHIP to you… and you know it.

All this builds up in the short amount of time you’ve been spending together… but you haven’t really had “the talk.” So you decide to get clear on what it is exactly that is going on here, and in his head.

That’s when it hits you- Now that he actually TALKS about what he does or doesn’t want… what he wants is NOTHING like what you thought he was thinking and feeling.

You thought that he was surely on the same page as you, and you could feel it from him in the way he was with you.

But the truth is… it was just the CONNECTION you felt to him that told you all those things about what you thought this relationship was for him, and for you.

When for him, there was NO RELATIONSHIP.

He was simply enjoying the CONNECTION you had, and that was it.

He never even seemed to think about what it meant for you to open yourself to him, and to share yourself with him.

It’s like he was avoiding the whole idea of a relationship, when you were living in one for the last several weeks or months.

This is “The Danger Of A Connection” with a man.

It’s a MUST that you start to get how and why men are this way… and what it means for the way you interact with a man.

For a man, no matter how amazing the connection he feels for a woman is early on… it does NOT mean that he is thinking about or wanting a RELATIONSHIP.

Not unless he’s talking “relationship” with you. The experience and connection that a man can enjoy with a woman can be something completely separate from what he thinks of a having a real “relationship.”

In other words… if you’re assuming that since you have such a great connection with the man you’re dating, but you haven’t actually heard him talk or act in ways that show he’s interested in a real relationship with you, then guess what?

Odds are he does NOT want a relationship with you… even though you already think you have one.

And what’s worse… when this situation turns up in a woman’s life (as it does for so many women) this is when they make the biggest mistake of all.

It’s when you sense that the man you’re with is NOT feeling the same way you are about your “relationship”… and then you LOSE CONTROL of yourself emotionally, and completely come apart.

When a man isn’t in the “relationship mindset” with you and doesn’t think you have a real relationship… and then you act this way as though you feel hurt and angry because he doesn’t want the relationship you want, how do men react?

That’s right. They pull away even farther, or leave altogether.

Don’t put yourself or your new relationship in this situation. Because it’s sure to ruin things.

Now, let me get back to that dark secret I mentioned earlier…THE SECRET “UNAVAILABLE MEN” DON’T WANT YOU TO HEAR If you haven’t figured it out by now, lots of men have a SERIOUS PROBLEM with telling women THE TRUTH about HOW THEY FEEL.

Not with the simple stuff- that’s easy. I’m talking about the important things that can mean the difference between a lasting commitment or a painful dead-end relationship (or fling).

Lots of men have little or no hope of being able to openly tell a woman how they feel or what they want IN THE LONG TERM.

It’s an “emotional language” that some men just don’t think or speak.

The worst one of these has to be when a guy doesn’t say ANYTHING AT ALL and leaves it entirely up to the woman to communicate about the relationship and the future.

And to add insult to injury, once the woman starts “the talk”, he turns it around on her and acts like she’s “hassling” him or being overly-emotional, just because she brought it up. Know what I’m talking about?

Unfortunately, if you’ve ever talked to a living, breathing man in your life, then you probably get it.

I call guys like this “Resistant Men”. They resist getting in-tune with their feelings and a woman’s more natural ability and  desire to communicate about her feelings.

But “Resistant” men are often EXPERTS at PRETENDING that they’ve got their emotional life “together”.

And that’s why Resistant Men are the worst kind of ignorant people.

They’re the worst because they actually don’t know what they don’t know. (Huh?)

In other words, they can’t even see or  understand the things that they don’t know about themselves.

They are completely UNCONSCIOUS about it. Scary stuff when it comes to being a good long term partner for a woman, where being conscious, aware and “available” to communicate about these things is CRITICAL.

And guess what else?

Lots of men like to think that it’s “normal” to be this way.

And here’s where their behavior covers up a deep psychological secret:

Maintaining a certain “emotional distance” makes it easier for a man to feel strong and confident. That’s right.

By avoiding emotional experiences that have some risk (like actually getting attached to a woman), he can keep more CONTROL in his life.

The truth is, men fear a loss of control or power more than almost anything else.

So for lots of men, the less “involved” or “invested” they are in anything, the more they can maintain a confident, predictable “tough” male attitude.

But it’s a false sense of strength. Because they are AVOIDING and DETACHING, they are not really being tough, strong, or authentic. HOW TO HANDLE AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MAN: So imagine running into this “wall of detachment” with a man at the point where the connection is getting deeper on your end, and  you want to talk to him about how HE feels.
The more you try to get inside his mind and  heart, the more he distances himself from you.

And he also doesn’t think any of this is  important or worth talking about in the first place.

Not only that, but he tries “deflecting” techniques by saying stuff like:

“You’re making a big deal out of nothing.”

Or, “Stop being so dramatic.”

Or, “You’re too sensitive.”

The sad truth is that Resistant Men who are trying to develop something more “serious” with a woman CAN’T or WON’T ADMIT that they need HELP and guidance from someone who’s smarter and more experienced when it comes to communicating about  these things.

Someone like a smart woman. Like you, for example.

They won’t admit they need help, so of course they aren’t going to be all that into to you “lecturing” them on what exactly is wrong with them or why they need to drop the act.

So do yourself a favor. If you recognize that you have become involved  with a Resistant Man, AVOID these common mistakes:

Mistake #1: Don’t compensate for his emotional shortcomings by “carrying” the burden of the whole relationship. This means not making excuses for him, not waiting for him to get his act together, and not  putting aside your own feelings and desires in order to make HIM comfortable.

Don’t do it. It will only make you unhappy and unfulfilled, and push him further away at the same time.

It’s a lose/lose approach.

Mistake #2: Don’t try to fix him. This is a go-nowhere strategy as well, that will just lead to frustration and heartache. Besides, if you become a man’s “therapist” you will slowly start killing any attraction he had for you in the first place. If it’s so hard to transform Unavailable or Resistant man, why do so many women try those ineffective strategies?

Two reasons, actually.

First, the men in their family may have been like this when they were growing up, and it’s the way they’ve learned to handle these kinds of situations. They just don’t know any other way.

And second, women fear losing the man and BEING ALONE more than they fear being in an unhappy or unfulfilling situation.

This is usually the case when women cling to “But I love him!” or “I can’t help the way I feel” as the reason they keep trying to fix a man or compensate for his shortcomings.

The thing is, fear of loss has a terrible way of controlling things…

It can control your thinking.

It can control your judgment.

And it can control your behavior.

Because it makes you willing to do ANYTHING to avoid losing what you want to keep…

And that’s where some women get hung up and end up accepting or tolerating all kinds of dumb behavior from Resistant Men.

If you can’t help yourself from going down this road, then the other, better strategies for dealing with Resistant Man are pretty limited.

Resistant Men don’t know it, but they need you to LEAD THEM to become aware of and “fix” their own emotional and commitment issues…

NOT do it FOR THEM, but “lead” them. It’s not impossible, but I’m warning you right  now: it’s an uphill battle all the way.

The most important thing to avoid is the IMPOSSIBLE process of trying to “convince” a man to change for you.

Instead, learn to avoid Resistant Men in the first place, and if you do get involved with one, make it HIS RESPONSIBILITY to “fix” himself.

You want to LEAD HIM to figure out how to be a better partner in ways that will have him thinking he “figured it out” on his own… And you want to make sure you don’t try to give him YOUR REASONS for wanting him to change, but instead help him find HIS OWN REASONS for  being a better partner and bringing more to your relationship.

You can do this in a few simple and easy ways that don’t put you in the position of suffering or trying to carry the load yourself.

Here are 3 simple ways:

#1) Take responsibility for your own happiness and fulfillment, and stop waiting around for him to get his emotional act together before you can relax and feel good. If YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE is firmly dependent on the state of your relationship, then you are in big trouble. Find your own joys, and more joy will spring forth from your  relationship.

#2) Talk positively about other couples who are mature and emotionally connected and have great  relationships. This helps show him by example how being more open with a woman can lead to good situations and create a better life and relationship with you. Lots of men don’t know what great relationships look like. Men learn well by example, and you get to bypass all the “resistance”  if you do things this way- since he won’t be trying to take “advice” from you, but he’ll think he’s finding and learning things for himself. Nice!

#3) See movies together that feature emotionally distant men, and talk about how the character’s lives were affected negatively as a result. You can talk about the movie and the  themes, but be careful about comparing him to the character in the movie directly, or being snide about it and working out your own frustrations this way. Think about moving forward together, not venting and blaming to try and get him to change.

I cover this topic in detail in Chapter 5 of my e-book, “Catch Him & Keep Him”, and I share the fool-proof way to get a man to open up and WANT to talk about how to make your relationship
even better.

If you’ve ever wanted to know exactly how you can have “the talk” with a man without scaring him away, or having him accidentally see you as needy… you need to know about this.

I’ve broken down how to get a man to open up and share all his feelings about you and your relationship into 5 EASY STEPS.

These 5 easy steps are what I call pushing a man’s secret “Communication Button.” Some women naturally get how this works with men, and have an easy time because the men in their lives are constantly bringing their thoughts and feelings to them- instead of the other way
around.

Start enjoying the same in your life. I show you these 5 easy steps for communicating with a man in my eBook. You can download it right now and be reading it in just a few minutes.

Get your copy of my eBook now right here:

•  Click Here For Your Free Newsletter And eBook Download

Remember, don’t try and TALK your way into a better relationship with him.

A man doesn’t commit to a woman in a conversation, or even with his words.

It’s something he just FEELS inside and wants for himself… or doesn’t. I’ll talk to you again soon, best of luck in

Life and Love.

Your Friend,
Christian Carter

Christian Carter, author of the e-book “Catch Him and Keep Him” offers a free dating advice newsletter for women that’s packed with all kinds of tips and insights into how men think, what attracts them to a woman, and how to create a fulfilling, committed relationship. ©2001-2007 Catch Him Inc, All Rights Reserved.

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