He Doesn't Want a "Solid" Relationship

Dear Brian,
If after being sexually involved with a man for a considerable time he continues to tell you that he doesn't want a "solid" relationship, what does that tell you?  He is consistent with phone calls, lunches, occasional dates, and we have traveled together but he doesn't want to include me in holidays or his family gatherings.  I'm confused. - 2confused2knowwhat2do

Dear 2confused2knowwhat2do,
A man who doesn't want a "solid" relationship is almost always fearful of making a commitment. The question is why? Sometimes a man doesn't want a "solid" relationship because it would interfere with his freedom to pursue other sexual partners. However, the man you describe appears to be a faithful and attentive lover. His reluctance to include you in family gatherings probably means he never came out to his parents and siblings, and may have no intention of doing so. This hardly makes him unique. Many otherwise "out" gay people remain closeted to their families. No matter how filled with pride a gay person may be, he may still feel uncomfortable about freely expressing his sexuality because a large segment of society still regards homosexuality as shameful, and is not shy about saying so. Your man is probably feeling that pressure, too. The solution, if there is one, is to simply inquire, tactfully and calmly, as to why he feels a need to exclude you from this part of his life, and take it from there. Unless you're prepared to break up with him, I wouldn't pressure him or give him an ultimatum ("It's either your family or me!"), but you may be able to help him open that closet door wide enough so you can share in every aspect of his life.

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