Great guns firing blanks

Dear Brian,
I met a great guy from the next state on Date.com. Everything was going great guns. We spent weekends at his place or mine (mostly mine) every few weeks, and we enjoyed each other's company immensely. He stayed with me five days after Christmas and left on good terms after I'd given him a set of books he really wanted and he'd given me a DVD player! We talked Tuesday and Wednesday after that with no sign of problems. Then on Thursday, I was hit with a "Sorry, I'm having an identity crisis, I don't love you, sorry I'm hurting you" e-mail. He eventually emailed again, saying he thought he'd fallen in love with a girl friend who is engaged to someone else, and with whom he said he'd discussed fathering children if her fiancé fell through. I'm 28, he's 24; friends of mine have said they think he's immature and commitment-phobic (and tacky to have done this by e-mail), and maybe scared that he really does love me and doesn't know how to handle it. I'd like to believe that and think he'll come back to me after he processes his feelings ... but I don't really know what to think. What do you think?
- TMSinMS

Dear TMSinMS,
I agree with your friends. Breaking up via email was tacky and, yes, he’s immature and probably commitment-phobic. What better way to avoid commitment than by claiming to have made another commitment? Agreeing to father a girl’s children is quite a commitment. How can anyone accuse him of being afraid to commit? My gut tells me he’s lying about that competing commitment, but being honest about having an identity crisis. An identity crisis is not unusual when faced with the possibility of committing to a lover and becoming one half of a couple. By doing so, we are agreeing to give up some of our freedom. That can be a frightening prospect. Notice that he has given himself a way out of the competing commitment by saying he may father the girl’s children only "IF her fiancé fell through." He may hope you’ll take him back if he finds that he does love you, after all. How do you feel about him? He’s a "great guy," but do you love him? If you do, I would send him an email to tell him you’re still interested. If he does love you, there’s a chance he’ll come around, clear the decks, and resume the relationship with less emotional baggage than he brought with him the first time around. But if he doesn’t respond, and soon, or responds in a way that indicates he still can’t commit, I would enjoy the DVD player, but forget about him.

View Readers' Responses
Find out what others thought about this advice

Back to advice archive