Is he aware of his convictions?

Dear Brian,
I met a guy at a convention last year and he had some "gay" signs - the walk, the talk, etc., and I thought he was at least bi. As it turns out, I have HUGE feelings for him and when I told him so via email, he said he wasn't that way and was "aware of his convictions". He is also (I think) fairly religious and from an area that is not gay tolerant. Also he is in his mid-twenties. He said nothing would ever come of it and if I felt any different it’s because of the way I feel. I figured I would never hear from him again, but we continue to talk on the phone and email each other, and he will send little emails just to "say hi". We will be seeing each other again at this convention soon and I am wondering if I should tell him that I can not quit thinking about him night and day. I feel like he is sending me mixed signals. What should I do?
- C.J.

Dear C.J.,
There are some straight men who have the effeminate walk and talk of the stereotyped homosexual. They are few and far between, but they exist. There are also some men who have gay feelings but suppress them because they also have religious beliefs that prohibit the expression of same-sex love. By saying that he’s "aware of his convictions," he could be dropping a clue, perhaps unknowingly, that he believes homosexuality is morally wrong and though he may have such desires himself, he’s going to resist them all the way into the pearly gates. If that’s the case, he’s probably right that nothing would come of your attraction for him, and even if something did develop, he would likely bring a lot of baggage - mainly guilt - to the relationship which might make it hell on earth for you. If he is gay, he might enjoy knowing you’re attracted to him, and that may explain why he’s staying in touch. He could be flirting with the thought of a gay relationship without having any intention of actually pursuing one. On the other hand, if he is religious, he may have an eye on your soul and hopes to convert you. Since you already told him via email that you have feelings for him and it didn’t discourage him from contacting you, I don’t see any harm in telling him again when you see him. You’re right; he is sending you mixed signals. When you see him, ask him out to dinner. If he accepts knowing full well that you’re interested in a romantic relationship, I would have to conclude that he is gay. The question you would then need to ask is can he admit it? Furthermore, can he accept it?

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