Sex without Lovin'

Dear Brian,
I am 22. I was looking for someone to be with, so I started searching. One of my friends advised me to put an advert on TV one to one, so I did and I had lots of response from gays. Some of them were not suitable for me, and some didn't like me, so I felt really down, because the ones I liked refused to go out with me.

One of the respondents was gay, aged 25, worked part time in media and was a student in university. We spent a lot of time sending sexy text massages. After 3 weeks we decided that it was time to meet up, so we did. I liked him and he explained to me that he liked me and found me really attractive. We went to the cinema and made out. I found him really caring and sexy - just what I was looking for.

After that, he started sending me lots of sexy hot messages, and asked if we could see each other again and make love, because he was feeling very hot for me after the night in the cinema. I agreed because I liked him and he was the only guy that gave me the chance to express myself , also he was the only guy who asked me to make love, so I felt really important. We agreed to meet at my house, and we didn't talk a lot after he arrived. He started kiss and touch me. I wanted him to stay so I didn't said anything until we went to my bedroom and he asked me to take my clothes off.

I tried to talk with him but he said that he was really hot then and he couldn't talk. I was a virgin and he didn't know that until he tried to have sex with me. When I told him that he said "Just relax and everything will be okay." I did not want to lose my virginity, it was very painful and I was screaming from pain, and he told me that I was making him really stressed so he decided to go. I asked him not to go. He agreed and told me to be relaxed and not to scream. I listened to him and lost my virginity. After that he tried to continue, although I was in pain and bleeding. He become very angry at me and said he was leaving because I wasn't sexy enough and that I did not know how to make love.

Now I feel really devastated every time I remember that night. I get stressed and upset, and I feel that I can not continue my life and that I am not worthy. I need your advice of how I can start my life again, as I'm not sure that I am attractive or sexy. Every time I want to meet new gay men, I hesitate. - NotSexy

Dear NotSexy,
Judging by the experience you shared with me, you are, indeed, attractive and sexy, too. Why else would the guy you met be so hot for you? The problem is that you obviously want more than sex. You want real love and companionship as well as physical satisfaction.

Unfortunately, a lot of men simply want sex, sex, and more sex with no strings attached, and the younger they are, the more likely they are to avoid romantic entanglements. Finding the right person will take time. For gay guys, it can take even more time than it would for a heterosexual. By his mid-teens, the average heterosexual is dating and exploring his sexuality with a variety of partners while the typical homosexual is still in the closet, struggling with his sexuality and perhaps even denying or suppressing it.

Once the decision is made to come out, a lot of gay men may be determined to make up for lost time and pursue sex with as many partners as they can find.

For the gay guy who wants more than sex, that makes the dating game all that more challenging. The man you met clearly has his mind set on one thing and one thing only (and we know what that is). There is no reason for you to believe you are unworthy. It's obvious that you are worthy, as well as very desirable. But it's actually a good thing that you feel hesitant about meeting new guys. You should think twice before getting involved with a man. It pays to be cautious. Just don't be so cautious that you never agree to meet anyone. There are men out there who will appreciate everything you have to offer, not just your body. Don't deny them the opportunity to meet you. If you do, you'll also be denying yourself.

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