Lost in Gay Translation

Dear Brian,
Two pieces of your advice that I can relate to were "Sleepless Over Him" and "How Does A Guy Let You Know He's Interested?" These were both topics that I am currently going through and has driven me to join a local support group for gay men for answers. I'm trying my best to come out of the closet and be more open about it and it's been quite difficult to do when you're "older." Granted I can still pass for much younger (I still get carded when drinking even in my 30's) but I'm not into the bar, club, and gay scene and it's hard to meet people like myself. I think I've fallen for a co-worker and that's a dilemma, as well. He's 10 years younger but we don't look that far apart in age but I'm not quite sure if he's interested or even gay. He does exhibit the "strong eye contact+big smile" symptom when alone with me and finds ways to see me at least 5 times a day (we work on different floors). We had lunches together and sometimes shared our food, and we both help each other a lot at work. He has placed his hands on my shoulders and casually on my back in appreciation for things. I did ask him about his sexuality in a round-about way (maybe too soon in the game) and he said he was straight but without much conviction. Recently he did something that got me really wondering.

One day during his routine visits he says "I've got a present for you" and gives me this promotional pin from 3 years ago that says "Do I Make You Horny?". Hmmm... was it a just a typical guy joke or something more? He doesn't have a girlfriend, recently moved out of his parents' house into his younger brother's, and opted out of going to a girly strip club with his brother recently.

Out of the blue I bought him coffee the other morning and the next day he did the same. Whether it was just to pay me back or not I'm not sure. I also happened to pop in one time to help him out at another location of ours on my day off just to make it easier for him (I said I was in the area) and at the end of the day he seemed so grateful like I made his day. I know it's hard to be at work and express a lot when around straight guys. We both assume the "average Joe" appearance but he does it more so than I. Alone, we casually talk about stuff like grocery shopping, family situations, feelings, furniture purchases, and not the usual sports/politics/cars/women stuff that I notice he does when he's around the other "straight" guys at work. He may be just coming to terms with finding himself which I can relate to because I went through the same thing when I was his age. So I try to be supportive and understanding, but I want reassurance that he feels something special between us.

I'm not a seasoned pro at this and have been out of the game for awhile. Am I just fantasizing? Am I asking for too much? Am I rushing it and trying too hard? Should I slow down and just go with the flow and see what happens? Any suggestions would be gratefully appreciated.
- CuriousG

Dear CuriousG,
Are you just fantasizing? It doesn't sound like it. A man who gives another man a pin that asks “Do I Make You Horny?” sounds gay to me. If the pin had a photo of a girl, thereby creating the impression she was the one asking the question, it could be dismissed as a “typical guy joke,” but typical guys (heterosexuals) don't usually joke around in a way that would imply that they’re gay. Add the “strong eye contact + big smile,” his frequent and inconvenient visits (you work on separate floors) to your work station, the touching, etc, and you've got the beginnings of a potential romance. Now you have to take the next step.

Ask him out. Since he doesn't have much interest in girly strip clubs, he might enjoy the male equivalent. You can be bold and ask him along to one, or just ask him out to a movie. Let your hand rest on his knee (but not the hand dripping with butter from the popcorn) and see how he reacts. I think he'll like it. Going with the flow is often a wise choice, but so far you seem to have resisted letting the flow carry you to the place you want to be. Go with the flow, but don't slow down. Coming out at a later age is certainly difficult, as is any attempt to maneuver one’s way in an unfamiliar world. It’s understandable that you’re feeling insecure and questioning even the most obvious signals, but the signals are obvious. Respond to them.

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