Homophobic boyfriend

Dear Brian,
Need your advice, I recently met someone and we've been dating for about a week now. I've open up everything he must know about me and same as him. We're similar in so many ways except for one thing, no one and I mean no one except me knows that he is gay. Here's the issue here, I am a person who is very much open about having a relationship, I mean I'm proud of it, and I want all my friends to know that he's my boyfriend. He is so discreet because he doesn't want anyone to know that he is gay. Whenever my friends and I go out on a Saturday night or have plans for dinner, he doesn't want to come with me for the simple reason that he doesn't want to be seen with a group of you know what...worst is, he is trying to keep me away from my friends telling me that if I do love him, I must put him first in my priorities. Yes, of course, I understand, but until when will I take it? What should I do? Should I help him to come out and let people know about us? TNX
- Rman from the Philippines

Dear Rman,
Few things are as frustrating for gay men as a homophobic homosexual. Your boyfriend is not unique. Many gay men are as programmed as heterosexuals to believe that homosexuality is perverted, something to hide and deny rather than openly admit to. They shun their own kind, and deny their own desires even as they act upon them. Unless you want to live your life in the closet, you must help your boyfriend accept his homosexuality and be prepared to acknowledge it publicly. Chances are he doesn't feel too good about himself in other areas, and being a member of a sexual minority only adds to his belief that he doesn't measure up. He may fear other gays and refuses to interact with them in the belief that by remaining isolated he can deny that he’s gay himself. What can you do beyond breaking up with him? Many gay and lesbian community centers have free programs designed to help gay men overcome their reluctance to coming out. If you have access to such a center, I recommend that you encourage your boyfriend to accompany you to such a session. If he refuses, you should find some literature that you can read together ("The Gay and Lesbian Self-Esteem Book: A Guide to Loving Ourselves" by Kimeron N. Hardin is one of several titles available through Amazon.com dealing with this issue).

In the meantime, continue to invite him along when you go out with your friends, but keep things intimate. Ask him to accompany you as part of a small group consisting of yourself and perhaps one or two others. This will take time and you have to be patient. If he never comes around to accepting his sexuality, you may have to make a choice: continue seeing him or move on and find a boyfriend who is as open about his homosexuality as you are.

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