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I Looked a Gift Horse in the Mouth
or... Gift Giving (and Getting) Made Easy
Many years ago, I was madly in love with this man whom I was dating. I won’t mention names. <cough*Jack> We’d been seeing each other for almost a year, and the holidays were quickly approaching. I really wanted to give him an extra special Christmas gift, and decided that a watercolor of antique toys (which he was into) would be perfect. Being a photorealistic painter, it wasn’t going to be difficult, just a bit time consuming, but hey, he was worth it. He was my boyfriend.
A few weeks before Christmas, he and I were talking on the phone, and I had somehow found myself confessing to a crime from my past. I was so ashamed…. (She said sarcastically).
Flash back to the seventh grade >>> I’m hanging out with my two nefarious pals, Alice and Veronica. We were always getting into “I Love Lucy”-esque scrapes with someone’s parents – I’ll never forget the time we broke every seal and took a sip of Veronica’s mother’s collection of miniature liquour bottles that she’d painstakingly collected for ages. Boy, was she mad. We could still hear her screaming (in Belgian) as Alice and I stumbled home, slightly liquored up on an array of cassis and orange flavored hard stuff.
Anyway, a few doors down from me, there lived a girl whom I didn’t know very well, Cheryl, but my Mom was friends with her mom. After my Mom asked me for the hundredth time to “go spend some time with Cheryl”, I threw up my hands and made the trek down the street.
When I got to Cheryl’s, who was oddly expecting me… she shyly led me into her secret sanction, her bedroom, where I found myself surrounded by what looked like every miniature plastic horse in existence. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-horse, but I was a city girl, and to me, horses were these towering, intimidating animals who would probably enjoy taking a bite out of your stomach while you were busy searching your pockets for sugar cubes and oranges, or whatever they eat. I stayed the requisite fifteen minutes, made my excuses, and headed home. When I confessed this little story to my boyfriend, I was laughing, but I felt sorry for Cheryl, and had never meant her any harm. I just thought she was a bit old to be commanding an army of toy horses.
When Christmas rolled around, I gave him his gift and he was fairly taken aback. I thought it was because he liked the quality of my work, but I think he was pretty embarrassed when I opened my gift from him. A plastic horse. Could we have given more mismatched gifts in value or in meaning? I don’t think so. I was hurt that he would take my story and use it against me with a six dollar toy. He immediately ran out and got me a few books and CDs.
A few months later, it was Valentine’s Day. I don’t remember what I gave him, but I’m sure it was my trademark meaningful present. He gave me William Shatner’s greatest hits. That was the last straw.
A few months later still, I was reading this crazy new dating book on the market, The Rules: Time Tested Ways for Meeting Mr. Right (Hey, I’m a relationship advisor, I HAVE to read this stuff) – This book got brutal press – it was very manipulative, and taught women not to return calls, to limit them to 10 minutes, to keep yourself mysterious. Not good advice at all, in my opinion. But there was one thing in that book that I will never forget. One thing that instantly made me cry.
“If he gives you jewelry, lingerie and flowers, he thinks of you in a romantic way.
If gives you CDs and books, he thinks of you like a sister.”
I knew the authors were right, and I knew it was break up time. That was eight years ago. I learned a valuable lesson back then, and I’m happy to share what I’ve learned since about gift giving, gift receiving and what it all really means in relation to what you’re looking for.
How to give the best gifts:
Whether it be a gift for a new love, friend or relative, there is one rule to giving the perfect gift: Pay attention. If you think the recipient of your gift is nuts because he or she has a huge collection of salt and pepper shakers from around the world, trust me, they want more. Helping to add to someone’s current collection of whatever always works. Think about it. If you’re a woman, do you have enough shoes/jewelry/Hummel figurines? If you’re a man, do you have enough tools/gadgets/sports memorabilia? You can always use one more...something.
If your “givee” doesn’t collect anything (they do exist) then pay attention to their interests. One that worked for me one year was as follows: I took current boyfriend to a pool party last summer, and my British friends all thought that, with his blonde hair and cool Germanic look, my boyfriend looked like a European Super-villain with. Amused at the thought, and after much teasing, I gave him a “European Super-villain” gift basket for his birthday, complete with black turtleneck, monocle, James Bond music CD, fake cigarette, stuffed monkeys (henchmen), fake moustache, skin head wig, and smoke bombs from the joke shop (in case a fast getaway is in order.) He was amused and impressed that I took the time to make such a fuss for him, and I didn’t have to worry that any previous girlfriend had given him the same gift.
How to get what you want (or in the ballpark):
How it works. The first year (Your birthday, Christmas/Hanukah) you keep quiet. Unless your sweetie begs you to give them a list of suggestions, let them choose your gift. After you open it, you’re going to learn one thing: Either this person knows you to your very soul, or you have no idea how they could be so clueless. If the latter happens to you, then there is an easy solution. What you don’t want to do is to seem ungrateful. One year, I was given a bracelet (good) that looked like Shelly Winters might have picked it up at the Poseidon Gift Shop (bad). After having it shortened by 2”, I now love it. (great) and I make sure that he sees me wearing it all the time so he knows that I appreciate it. (even better). I could have returned it (bad) or mentioned that it wasn’t my style (very bad) but I kept quiet and it worked out swell.
If you’ve been dating a while, (lets say long enough to feel comfortable enough to suggest the following) it’s perfectly acceptable to suggest offering a list of possible wish list options. This works out well because the gift giver gets to save countless hours they would have spent crying as they stumble through the mall three hours before you ring in your next birthday – and ultimately choose the gift and surprise you - and you ultimately won’t get a used toaster, ratchet set or DVD collection of Gilbert Gottfried’s greatest hits when it was the last thing in the world you wanted anyway.
How to decode a relationship by the gifts:
Keeping in mind that we’re all different people, I think the most thoughtful gifts are those that are given when the giver has paid attention to our lives and wants to add to our enjoyment, i.e.: luxury gifts (spa, watch), romantic gifts (photo collage, poem), gifts to add comfort (warm coat, fuzzy slippers), gifts to make our lives easier or exciting, gifts that help define who we are.
Now keep in mind that some people can be true blue in their feelings for you and lack the gift giving gene for a variety of reasons. He grew up with just a dad and four brothers, and is stumped at what to give his girlfriend/wife. She knows he loves working on cars but doesn’t know enough about them herself, so she gets him a safe gift (sweater, scarf, book of crossword puzzles). These people are perfect candidates for my list suggestion mentioned above.
The best gifts are not unlike the best emails you might receive from a Date.com member. They contain a bit of “you” in them.
- by Brenda Ross
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