Over 40, wants kids, boyfriend moves slow

Dear Brenda,

I love my boyfriend. We have been dating for 2 years. We are monogamous, have great communication but he has been slow to move-say I love you, propose, etc so I know marriage will be a while. He treats me well but I don't know what to do. The longer I wait to have children the higher chance I have of having a child that may have genetic problems. That may sound superficial but it is important to me to have a healthy child.

We talk about it but he can't give me a definite answer and he doesn't want to get pregnant without marriage. I would be open to it. He does want kids though.

I don't know what to do and I can't imagine life without my boyfriend but I really want a child.
- Chaundra

Dear Chaundra,

I think you can tell if your guy is really in for the long haul or not if you step back and take an objective look at your relationship. You can tell by his actions. How he treats you, how he values you, how he integrates you in with his family, how much time he wants to spend with you, how affectionate, generous and appreciative he is.

If you really feel deep down that he knows that he'd be lost without you, and you feel that being with him is more important that finding a father for a baby, then stick it out a bit more. For all you know, he's been planning a proposal for a while now, but wants to surprise you, and feels that he can't do that, if there is an underlying edge of expectation. You know how difficult it is for men over 40 to propose for the first time. (I'm assuming he's over 40 and has never been married). ;-)

I agree that after two years he should make a firm decision either way. I mean, it is your life, too. If you can't take it anymore, then sit down and have a calm, direct and honest talk with him. (No ultimatums). You could tell him that he is the most important thing to you, but you aren't sure by his actions if he's on the same page. Tell him that you truly value what you both have, but if he isn't sure, then you need to start thinking about things. Then let it go for awhile. This should shake him up enough to actually do some serious thinking.

If you really want to shake him up, then do something that breaks up your regular routine with him. If you see him every Friday night like clockwork, then break the date one Friday and tell him that you have plans with the girls to go drinking. That's all you have to say. ;-)

If he really loves you, (and I'm sure he does) then you'll probably get what you want, just perhaps not when you want it. How long did it take him to say I love you? It took my slow-goer bf 9 months, which was starting to drive me crazy, but in hindsight, it was worth it, because he wanted to be dead sure that he meant it.

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