My Ex is back with a vengeance

Dear Brenda,

I am not sure I believe in love anymore. I used to. I used to be a hardcore believer in fairy tales and happily ever after and all. Heres my story:

I had just gotten out of a bad relationship after he put me into the hospital for the second time. After several months of recovery I got a new job, ready to move on. I started work and everything was cool until I met the assistant manager and just looking at him blew me away. We talked and flirted I asked him out he said no he was busy. After several weeks of going back and forth he finally said yes and we went out.

He was amazing polite and romantic and I felt on top of the world. We watched movies and cuddled. We started seeing each other a lot and things were great. Almost immediately he had my heart. After about a year and a half we moved to the city together.

After we moved he totally went out of his way to please me. At 2 yrs he started to find things wrong (he also started working in a very superficial atmosphere). He thought I needed to lose weight. He didn't like that I wanted a serious career. He started depleting my self esteem little by little. Every fight we had turned out to be my fault. But he really harped on my weight. I am 5'9 and weigh 170lbs. The girls at his job constantly hit on him even when I was around, and he let them. Of course, they are only 5'3 and like 110lbs. I cried a lot and he knew he was hurting me. He would tell me how hot he thought they were and how hot I could be if I lost weight.

I finally had enough and we broke up. He started dating one of the girls at work right away. I finally found a place and moved out. I started hanging out with a friend from work.

Now its four months later and I am 30 lbs lighter. I am kind of dating the guy from work -"friends with benefits" nothing serious. A week ago I dressed up to go out with my friends and he was there. He was obviously checking me out. He now thinks I am hot enough to date and that I may be his soul mate. The problem is I like this other guy a lot. We connect on this amazing level and everything is totally casual (although I think he wants more). Everything is going pretty good and here comes my ex ready to run my heart through a blender again. How do I know his change had nothing to do with my weight loss? I don't really wanna give him another chance. I am not in love with him anymore but what if he really was the one and he is being genuine?
- Raven

Dear Raven,

You want a chance at love?

Keep the new guy from work. Lose the 'friends with benefits' scenario, and date him like he's a real potential boyfriend. Keep your self-respect, get to know him slowly and do real date-type things. Why should he think that you're special if you're sleeping with him but not expecting to be treated with value? I know you think that what you're doing is self-protecting, but it isn't. It'll just make you feel empty when you know you want more.

Forget the fool who dumped you when you needed him. He showed his true colors to you, sadly, and if you go back to him (obviously on his side it's for superficial reasons), then you'll be right back in the frying pan, baby. He's shown that he doesn't love you. Give the new guy (who treats you well) a chance. You shouldn't have the time or patience for anything less.

Back to advice archive