Mr. "I want to see other people"

Dear Brenda,

I met what seems to be a great guy on Date.com. We have a lot of fun together. However, he keeps telling me he wants to see other people "to see whether we have a future together". Huh? - Exactly... This makes no sense to me. It just seems like a game. So, I posed the option of just being friends with him. Still hanging out, having fun, but with no emotional connection, etc. He doesn't like that idea. He "wants to see where we could go." Since we started talking he has IM'd, called or seen me every day. He makes all the first moves. I feel I'm getting mixed signals from this guy. I'm about to call everything off. What do you think?
- Mixedsignals

Dear Mixedsignals,

I think that you're dealing with a someone who wants to keep all the power, probably because he's too scared not to. It's pretty presumptuous to tell someone (whom you know is looking for a real relationship) that you can only give them so much and expect them to settle for whatever crumbs you want to toss at them. It shows you that his main concern is for himself. Why is he doing this? There a few reasons that I can think of. Perhaps he's not sure you're someone he wants to invest time in yet, or he is just interested in a physical relationship (now or in the future), or he's scared of getting hurt. Maybe he suffers from 'grass is always greener' syndrome and is keeping an eye out for someone better to come along. He could be one of those guys who doesn't appreciate your value unless someone else wants you. He's dangling carrots in front of you (those mixed signals) to keep you interested. He sounds young to me.

You already know that what this man is giving you isn't enough for you. He doesn't make you happy. This should be your first clue that something is wrong. The ideal guy would know enough about himself to know that you are someone he wanted to invest time in, and he would want to take you off the market. This is a sure sign that a man is ready for a relationship.

You have a few choices of how to handle this situation. You could be straight with him and tell him that he's giving you mixed signals, and that life is just too short for that kind of nonsense, wish him a good life, and send him packing. Or, if you want to try to make a go of it, you can play games right back and become disinterested in him, start mentioning some mystery guy that you're dating now, return lackluster emails and IMs, not be available for calls. If this actually drives him crazy and he's mad with desire for you, then run for the hills. There is a difference between being a sexy mysterious challenge to a new man, or giving up so much of yourself that you don't recognize yourself in the mirror any longer. If I were looking for a relationship of substance, and a man told me that he wanted to date others, I'd be gone before he finished his sentence. Personally, I would let this guy go, and hold out for the man who knows what he wants. The relationship that feels right is the one that just happens naturally, and with mutual interest from both parties. Don't settle for less that you deserve.

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