Superficial Guy - What to do?

Dear Brenda,

I need some help with my relationship. Some background stuff: I am a 20yr old stock broker going to college to be a lawyer. On the appearance side, I am 5'9" and about 170lbs (on a 5'9' frame its not too bad) . My guy is 27, a musician but temporarily working as a security guard at a high end fashion store. Appearance wise, he is 6'1" pale, really dark hair and 170lbs. We have been together for going on 3yrs. We live together with 2 other people.

My problem is that since he has started working for this store, he has been putting A LOT of pressure on me to lose weight. The girls at his store make fun of me because I am not a size 4 like they are, but they are also barely 5' tall. Last night his band played at a bar and his "friends" from work showed up. The drummer of his band also works with him and he is really cute. He hugged me like 5 times and repeatedly told me how hot I was. So did several other of his coworkers, including his boss who is a fashion consultant to celebrities. My BF got off stage and wouldn't even kiss me but he let several of these girls from work touch him and totally monopolize his time. He pointed out this one girl that he thinks is really beautiful. She must have been 5ft and like 80lbs and I thought about his past GF's and they were all built like that too. I am monstrous compared to them height and weight wise.

We talked before going to bed and he wants me to be down to a size 8 or 9 by Christmas. I am a size 14. Then I would be the perfect girl and he wouldn't be tempted to cheat because I would finally meet all of his standards. I have had problems in the past with bulimia and anorexia he has seen pictures of me at 92lbs and a size 2 and he thinks I look good. I am already eating very healthy and a lot less (about 1000 calories a day) and I run for 45 minutes on the treadmill everyday. I don't know what else to do. Its killing me this morning and I have been crying for a while. I really do love him but this is (recently) getting hurtful. My friend says I should lose the weight to show him what I look like at size 8 and then dump his ass. But I cant, I am very emotionally attached to him. Please help me...
- Raven27

Dear Raven27,

I really do love him but this is (recently) getting hurtful.

Listen to yourself.

My friend says I should lose the weight to show him what I look like at size 8 and then dump his ass. But I cant, I am very emotionaly attached to him. Please help me...

Your friend has a good point. Honestly, it's hard, but if this man really loved you, he wouldn't give a rat's (fat) bum about your weight. But I can understand how he feels. I wouldn't want to date a man who weighed the same as I do. It would kind of strip me of my femininity. There really is something to that, dating back to man's beginnings. He's being honest by telling you that he has a certain type, but come on, Raven. What price love?

Heavy or not, you have the one thing going for you that isn't going to change. And that's a beautiful face. You're lucky that way. I'm Italian, and I've been all over the scale - and when you're short like I am (5'3") you can't handle the extra weight - unlike a tall girl like yourself. I will say that being thinner works well for me, because before I was only eating because I was unhappy. Now I eat less but I feel better about myself, and I feel like I'm actually able to take advantage of what I was born with, if that makes any sense. I didn't want to go my whole life wondering what that would feel like. And yes, it does make a difference. But you do this for yourself, not for anyone else, and definitely not when someone tells you to, and extra definitely not when they give you a deadline, and extra extra definitely not when they know that you've struggled with eating disorders in the past. What is he thinking?

Going in knowing that you probably shouldn't want a man with such strict limitations (God forbid you get pregnant by this guy), and realizing that what you're in now isn't the heathiest of relationships, you have to make a decision. I would never stand for someone giving me a deadline over something like this unless it was life threatening and I was harming myself in some way. If he demanded that you stopped seeing your best friends because he found fault with them, would you do it? If he asked you to stop wearing your favorite color or listening to your favorite music, would you do it? There is no difference. Where are your boundries in this relationship? You give him this, and next thing you know he's bugging you to get plastic surgery. Some musicians can be very superficial and spoiled. I know this because I've dated plenty of them, and my dad, where ever he is today, who ran out on us when my brother and I were babies, happened to be one.

If you do decide to stay with your boyfriend, and you decide that you want to lose weight, then make a deal with him. Tell him that you must be rewarded for each five pounds you lose, to keep you motivated, because his threats aren't. Then name your price, whether it be a dozen roses a month, or jewelry, or enough money to put aside on a down payment for a one way ticket to Europe (or new apartment) when you finally reach your goal weight. ;-)

Real love is about acceptance. It makes no demands. The right person for you will inspire you to feel good about yourself, Raven. Don't you deserve to have that without being so negatively judged and rejected based on who you are now, especially knowing that you have eating disorder issues? I'll bet you never make any demands on this guy. He sounds so incredibly spoiled. I wonder how his father treats/treated his mother? Not so great, I'll venture to guess. Don't think that because you feel that you love him that you must be loyal forever. If he's not playing fair, then he changes all the rules.

One day, years from now, you're going to look back on this relationship and shake your head in disbelief. Trust me.

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