Messy Situation with My Girlfriend

Dear Brenda,

I have been with the love of my life for two years. The problem I am having is the fact she will not clean up after herself at all. I mean, if we take her car, stuff has to be moved so I can have a place to sit down. When we go to her place there is trash, clothes, and anything else you can imagine piled up everywhere including the chairs, the tables, the bed, the floor, and everywhere you can look. She has cats and she is lax about cleaning up after them (the litter box stinks). The floor in her room stinks from when her dog was a puppy and was not house trained. We have talked several times about problems we both have with each other. Out of these discussions I have changed several things about myself to make our relationship more enjoyable for her. The problem I have with her not cleaning is something she doesn't seem to care about.

My question is should I just go back to doing the things she does not like or would it be better for me to just give her an ultimatum? I love her more than any woman I have ever been with, but I am at my wits end. The fact of just accepting her not cleaning is absolutely not acceptable. One last thing, the things I changed about myself are things that other women have asked me to change but I would not. I have done so much to make her happy, while this one thing I have asked her to do, she will not do. Any help would be appreciated.
- Ninja

Dear Ninja,

If you're willing to make sacrifices and changes but your partner is not, you will only grow to resent them. I've dated men who were notoriously messy - and being super neat myself, I found it was an obstacle I could not overcome, because: 1. I want to date a grown up. 2. I don't want to eventually become someone's maid. 3. I want someone with a similar outlook on such a basic subject. 4. I want someone who wants me to be happy and comfortable as well.

Messy people and neat people never work out, because the neat one has to do all the work, and/or give up their comfort level, which, as I said, leads to resentment. Unless you want to be that person, then I doubt it will work. We all have our boundaries. Is she lazy in other aspects of her life? Does she forget to pay her bills? Did she grow up in a messy household?

Possible solutions:

1. You communicate, she agrees to change.
2. You threaten to leave, and she agrees to change.
3. One or both of you pays for a cleaning service.
4. She gets hypnotized into becoming a neat-freak.
5. You accept her as she is, which is how it should be.
It's okay to love someone and not be able to be in a healthy relationship with them.

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