Two different paths

Dear Brenda,

I am not really sure where to start. I am 20, I will be 21 in August. I know that I do plan too much but I can't seem to help it. I want to be in a relationship with the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with for at least 4 years until we decide to get married and have kids. Ultimately I want to be a housewife and mother but I may work during school hours after our children start going to school. Maybe in or around their school. I do want to start having kids somewhere between 27 and 30. My thinking is that if I want to spend at least 4 years with the person I marry before we start having kids then that means that I have to find that person in the next 2 years. In my mind that isn't much time.

I have never really been too good at relationships, possibly because I expect the person I am with to change or grow into a person that I would want to marry and have children with. One big problem I am having right now is my current relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been dating now since last November. He is great, sweet, fun and funny, always willing to listen to me no matter how irrational i may be. Everything has seemed to go pretty smoothly and quickly. The more I get to know him though the more I see that he isn't the kind of father that I want for my children. He doesn't seem responsible and we don't share a lot of the same morals and values. I don't hold that against him, or at least I don't think I do. But at the same time I feel like, if he's not the type of man I want to be the father of my children then should we still be together?

This weekend we went on a romantic get away, mainly to just spend some time together. Well, I had hoped that it would be romantic. He doesn't seem to enjoy his environment as much as I do though. For example, we were sitting in the park watching this cool fountain and all of the kids playing in it, at least I thought it was cute. The whole time I felt like he was bored and couldn't wait to get back to the hotel room. It's little things like that that kind of build up inside me until I just burst into tears.

If we are doing something he doesn't enjoy I just wish he would express it verbally instead of through his actions. I think he has a hard time expressing his emotions but no matter what I do or say he wont open up that way.

Maybe I am expecting too much of him.

I talked with him about the way I felt, told him that if we don't see ourselves together maybe this is just a waste of time. He told me that part of him doesn't want to break up. And then I asked if that meant that part of him did and he said he didn't know. The problem is that I don't feel like our relationship is a waste of time, but now I don't know if he does. I feel like our conversation was a big mistake and that it's all my fault.

We do have things in common it's just that there are some morals that I have that some of his actions and something's that he is planning on doing conflict with. I tell him this too so he knows how I feel.

I am afraid that he is slipping away from me even though he assures me that he will always be there for me. He is my best friend and I don't want to lose him. I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

- EMPnelle

Dear EMPnelle,

Well... You're probably feeling unhappy because doing everything backwards, EMPnelle. It would be wiser to take your time and FIND THE RIGHT MAN FOR YOU rather than seeking the future father of your children (with the slightest desperation). You're experiencing classic "future" panic, and as a result, every choice you make is about relationships is going to be wracked with pressure, and most men will probably not stick around for long, as you have such a strong agenda.

The guy you're with now is sensing this pressure, and at his (and your) young age, it's just too much. I've found that men are much more likely to entertain the idea of settling down when they are happy with their career progress and have attained a certain level of success. You are not typically going to find this with a man in his early to mid twenties. This is his time to work hard and create his career opportunities.

The thing is, we can't perfectly plan our lives the way we would like to. There is a lot of luck involved in finding a great relationship, curiously enough. It might take you years to find someone who's right for you, especially since you're determined to go the hard and fast rules route.

Right now, if you're serious, I think that you should be dating different men for shorter periods of time - if only to get a better idea of what characteristics you like or don't like about any particular guy, and to pay attention to your particular dynamic with each guy - which is going to be different with everyone you date.

What is strange is that you say that this guy you're seeing doesn't share basic interests, morals, and values, - he's not responsible, he communicates differently than you do. This is all so not husband and father material. The reason you can't/didn't realize this sooner is because you're inexperienced with relationships and you need to grow and change and live your life and make the same mistakes along the way that we all make. This is all part of the learning process of dating.

One thing I can say is not to bother with wishy-washy types. You want to be with someone who wants to be with you. Don't ever settle for less, and don't make excuses for men who don't know if they want to be with you. This type of men is just killing time. Men don't have biological clocks, so they can afford to kill time in a relationship when they know that it isn't the right one. It happens all the time, and as you get more experienced, hopefully it will become easier to recognize.

All I can tell you to do is to enjoy your life now. Establish a career for yourself. Go to college. Do something that you're passionate about. Being independent will keep you in control of your life. These tips are all attractive to others by the way. You're more desirable to others when you don't need them, but are with them because you choose to be. There is plenty of time for babies in your future. And remember, the more you try to control life, the harder it's going to be for you to do so. Nothing ever works out the way you think it will. I wish you the gift of staying open minded to different possibilities. :-)

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