Leaving Me Alone During the Holidays

Dear Brenda,

A big hello to everyone who posts here. I enjoy the opinions and advice different people give to those who need and want it so badly. Now it's my turn. What I really would like is your opinion. After reading this, do you think I'm making too big a deal out of nothing or not? I'll bet that the guys would think I am and women would feel I'm not. I need your thoughts, though.

* Been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now. He has asked me marry him but I don't have a ring or a date so there is no engagement YET.

*This will be our first Christmas & New Year's together coming up. I've been waiting to spend it with him practically since we met!

* Last weekend he asked what I was doing for Christmas. I told him I had no plans. He told me that I am now part of his family and he wants me with him. I had a big smile on my face. :)

*He comes to my apartment the other night to visit me. We're talking. Says he has a proposition for me. He says that he and his family (mother, kids, sister, brother-in-law & his nieces) are planning a trip to Orlando, FL. to visit his aunt. He tells me his proposition is that if I can come up with half of the $$$, he can pay the other half. I ask how long I have to come up with it and he says about a month. I said I could and all sounded great.

*Last night I was with him and his kids. He looks over at me and asks me how am I really going to come up with ALL (now it's all) of the $$$ for the plane ticket in ONE WEEK? I said I thought he was paying half and that I had a month? He said no. He had "miscalculated" things. Now I'm angry.

I asked him why he has to go on our first Christmas together? Or if he does go, why does it have to be from Christmas day until January 2nd after telling me he wants me with him and that I'm now part of his family. I feel he can come back home to spend SOME time with me. At least New Year's Eve. I've also never even heard of this aunt. He told me for Christmas they spend it at either his sister's or mother's. He has a large family.

This is what I think: I think he asked me just so he KNEW (and could feel relieved) that he had asked me to go all the while knowing I couldn't pay for the trip. Sort of passive-aggressive behavior.

Shouldn't our first Christmas together be, well together? ! I feel as if he's doing this just to appease me in some way. Is this a big deal? A not-so-big-deal? Or am I going insane?

- Marissa24

Dear Marissa24,

It isn't exactly a picnic for a childless woman to date (and be engaged to) a man who has children from a previous marriage. The kids will always come first, like it or not. He has less money to burn because he needs to spend it on them. I would be annoyed with his miscalculation, but remember if you marry him you will spend the rest of your holidays together, right? If you really love this man, and chin up and handle this like a real trooper, he's really going to appreciate it, and probably be thinking about you the whole time he's gone.

I know you're hurt, but be gracious, and suggest a compromise to have your own Christmas and New Years celebrations when he returns, so you both have that to look forward to. Ask him to perhaps next time think things out a bit more carefully trip-wise before he suggests them to you.

If you can't handle being lower on his priority list, then you might not be ready to marry a man with children. It's hard. To be honest, I think seven months is too soon to be engaged. I'd seriously give it some more time to get to really know your boyfriend. This is the kind of relationship trauma that couples should experience while still dating. You want to be able to see how he handles himself in tough situations - so there are less surprises later on.

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