Online dating: Rejecting someone with kindness

Dear Brenda,

I have been emailing someone that I met through an online personals site. I sent her my pic and then she sent me hers. I am NOT attracted to her. What is the best way to say I am not interested in meeting her now...without bruising her ego?
- Tim21610

Dear Tim21610,

Obviously you have some interest in her personality, unless you were just waiting to see a pic. There is a reason why people don't post their pictures on personals sites - One, they don't think they're attractive enough, or two, they are too attractive and don't want all the fluff email from superficial types. So now you know to make sure you can see some pictures (preferably at least 3) before you get too involved. Research has shown that we are 12 to 15 times more likely to get a response to our profiles when we post a picture, and since we can only divulge so much information on a profile, it's only fair to post a few photos.

But back to you... You shouldn't waste either your or her time if you've chosen not to pursue this. That's just leading her on. What would be the right thing to do is to let her down gently, while not focusing on her. Whether that's dishonest or not, it's much nicer that an outright personal rejection of her appearance, which could be something that she might remember negatively for years.

As I see it, you have four options. The first three happen all the time, but don't exactly fall into the category of something that a nice person would do.

1. You can stop writing to her immediately.

2. You can do the slow fade. IE: Write less and less until she doesn't even remember that you were ever emailing.

3. You can keep writing to her but immediately start listing your distasteful, clashing hobbies, such as: tell her that you love to go hunting for sport if you know she's a vegetarian. Tell her you're a lab animal researcher if she loves pets. Let her break up with you so she can keep her dignity. She'll see through most lame excuses, such as "sorry, my psychic suggests I just concentrate on my career right now" or "Gee, you sound great, but I'm going to suddenly be busy for the entire summer". (yes I've actually heard those).

and...

4. You can thank her for her time, tell her that you've enjoyed your conversations, and wish her well, but that you've decided to pursue someone with whom you feel you have a better connection.

When you look over these options, think about how you would like to be treated if you were on the other side of this situation.

Back to advice archive