Why won't he say those 3 little words?

Dear Brenda,

I've been in a committed relationship for 9 months. About 6 months ago I slipped and said "I love you." He said he wanted to love me, but still hasn't told me that he does... We are together all the time in the evenings, take all our trips together, and spend our entire weekends together. He treats me with love and respect, talks about future plans including next summer, and we are currently planning our longest vacation yet for next month. After making love last night, I told him I love him, and I asked him if he would ever love me, he responded with "I will love you as much as I can." He is so good to me, tells me how we are more compatible than he was with his ex-wife (divorced 6 yrs). He encourages me to build relationships with his family, takes me to all their events/holidays. What am I missing here? Am I being silly? How can he tell me he is committed (I didn't ask for a commitment or an exclusive relationship from the beginning, he did.) and NOT love me, or say that he does? Shall I run? Or stick it out? He is not perfect, no one is, but he is everything and more than I could have hoped for.
- lovestruck

Dear lovestruck,

It's frustrating, isn't it?

My answer to your question is that I think he does love you, but he wants to be absolutely SURE, because 1. he's an honest guy, and 2. He's been betrayed by love.

My only comment would be for you to stop saying it to him and to give him a chance to catch up with you. Your bf obviously loves you, I think you know he does. Men don't give up their time and freedom, or treat a woman with respect and affection, or refer to the future like that if they don't, babe. If he didn't love you, he wouldn't do these things, plain and simple. I'm guessing that you just wonder why, if someone does feel that way about the person their dating, why can't they just come out and say it, right?

Well, it isn't that simple, especially for sincere men, (because they're guys) and especially those who have gone through previous important relationships that didn't happen to work out. Perhaps he wants to make sure of your compatibility, your arguing styles, see how you two handle crisis together. If so, this guy is mature, and he sounds like a keeper. It takes some people longer than others.

The good thing is... when he does say it, you'll know he means it. The bad thing is... being patient. :-)

I went through something similar myself. However, I would rather be with a man that wants to take his time to be sure he is in love rather than someone who just rushes to say it back to me. A man that takes his time will say he loves you because he truly feels it. A man that rushes into love, may rush out of it and the relationship of it just as quickly. Let's just say, been there, done that.

Just remember this: Actions speak louder than words.

Personally, I advise women to wait until their guy says it first, because then there's no pressure. We already know how we feel. Why should they say it first?

A couple of reasons come to mind.

It's a bigger deal for men to actually admit feelings like this because it puts them in a very vulnerable position. Many men feel that once these words have been spoken, there is an unspoken promise of a future, which makes them uneasy if they aren't dead sure. Plenty of women have been known to start hinting about engagement rings not too long after "I love you's" were exchanged. That's just too much pressure, and it makes men gun shy.

Divorced men are typically even more wary if they suffered emotional damage from a marriage split. You can understand that someone who's been burned by a hot stove is going to be more hesitant to touch it again. You have no burn marks on your palms, so you aren't afraid of the stove. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Perspective goes a long way in life.

Remember guy time is like dog years. In my case, I know something is a fact months before it dawns on my boyfriend. We just know. I knew I loved him long before he said it, but I vowed to wait until he said it first, so I knew then that he meant it. After nine months, (the day after Valentine's Day) I was ready to strangle him with my bare hands. So I told him that I really needed to know. And he choked out that he did love me, and had for ages, but was afraid to say it, for many of the reasons I stated above. I told him not to worry, and the only thing that was going to change was that I'd just feel happier. And that's what happened. And slowly but surely, he started saying it more and more when he realized I wasn't going to drag him wedding dress shopping when he could be playing video games. Now he says it all the time.

If you really do love this guy like you say you do, then you'll be patient and enjoy what you have. Treat each other like the words have already been said a thousand times, and my guess is that he'll probably surprise you one day soon when you've forgotten to fret about it (and the pressure is off). :-)

Back to advice archive