Will I ever find my Mr. Right?

Dear Brenda,

I am 29 and I've only been in one serious relationship - which ended after 6 1/2 years. I had become pretty good friends with a 42 yr old guy named Dave, and I was very attracted to him. He seemed to be attracted to me but he never asked me out. We hung out a lot as friends and enjoyed doing the same things.

Finally one night we had sex, and then a few days later when I saw him again, he said that we would be better off as friends as we didn't have any chemistry for a relationship. Then he proceeded to tell me that the only reason that he had sex with me is because he was getting on a plane the next day and if it had crashed at least he could say that he had sex the night before. This really hurt my feelings because I was very attracted to this guy and I couldn't figure out how he could be so cruel and still say "we're friends". I didn't think friends treat each other that way.

We talked for about two hours and I wound up at his place having sex again! Don't even ask me WHY because I have no idea why I would have been so stupid, I guess I thought that maybe he'd be nicer this time, but I was wrong, he was even worse. The next day he told me that he just wanted sex the night before and that I meant nothing to him, and that if I even mentioned that we dated, he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

After that I swore to myself that I'd never speak to him again, but about a week later he called and asked me out. CAN YOU BELIEVE I WENT? This time he tried to have sex with me and I told him NO. I said that I hated the way he talked to me afterwards and I know he doesn't care about me, so I didn't want to have sex. He kept pressuring me until we finally did and the next day he said "we can never have sex again, if we do I'll start avoiding you". After the whole conversation about how we're not meant to be in a relationship he told me that he met another woman that he really liked and wanted to date.

This was over a year ago and he and this woman are still dating and getting along wonderfully. Every time we talk he tells me how they have this special bond and that love takes time to grow and their's has really grown. He said that he's completely in love with her.

My first question is, I never did anything to this man to make him treat me so badly. I was always as nice to him as possible and did everything he wanted. I know that he doesn't treat this woman like he treated me or she wouldn't be with him. How does a jerk like this get into a wonderful, lasting relationship with a beautiful woman and I still haven't found Mr. Right?

Dear mountngrl12,

Because... he finally found a woman who called him on his bad behavior, unlike you. You let him get away with murder, practically, which is no challenge for him - or any man. How can he respect you when you let him do that? Not that his behavior is normal by any standard of kindness.

It's always a good idea to keep a man on his toes to keep him interested. But he has to be interested enough to start with. This guy wasn't. When I say "on his toes" I mean keep him guessing. Don't be too predictible or too available. Mystery intrigues men initially. You can still be a nice woman with grace and style, and still be mysterious and sexy.

You'll find your Mr. Right, don't worry. That's the thing, though. Stop questioning yourself and start thinking of yourself as someone of value. A woman with boundaries. To be that woman, you have to start putting your foot down and stop putting up with bad behavior. You can still be a nice woman with grace and style, and still walk away when something offends you. It's perfectly okay to do that.

I'll tell you something interesting. I've met quite a few men who've told me that the one thing that made their wives stand out from all of their previous ex-girlfriends was that the wife would never let them get away with crap, while the ex-girlfriends apparently were too insecure and/or too afraid (of the guy, of being alone, of starting from scratch, take your pick) to speak up. Sound familiar?

Change your behavior and change your destiny. No one's going to do it for you. You have the best vested interest in yourself.

Back to advice archive