How can I help my commitment-phobic boyfriend?

Dear Brenda,

I have been going out with a guy for the last five years, on and off. He has many emotional problems, such as a fear of commitment and unresolved issues with his alcoholic and abusive father who died two years ago.

Each time he has broken up with me, he has been the one to establish contact again. He says there is definitely something between us and even cries because he is so mad at himself for not being able to commit. I know he loves me and there is no one else I'd rather be with. We know each other so well and are each other's best friend.

He says I'm the only person he can talk to about his problems, and he is the only one who can make me feel better when I'm upset. He has admitted he needs help, but doesn't know where to start. What can I do to help him?

Dear Frustrated,

You can't help him. He's got too many problems. You will never have a happy, healthy relationship with this guy, no matter how much you love him. Five years is a big chunk of time, So aren't you getting just a little sick of all this? Get out, find a man who can love and commit to you, and move on with your life. Or stay with this guy, let him break up with you a few more times, waste a few more years, and write to me again.

You weren't born to be his savior. Let him go and find help, and you get on with your life. He needs to get help from professionals, and you, you need to stop being manipulated by the crying, the dependency and the lack of commitment. Believe me, I know of which I speak. All you have to do is the following: Ask yourself what you really want, ask yourself if you are anywhere near to getting it, and if not, set a cutoff date in your head and stick to it. I wish you the best.

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