Why am I stuck to Mr. Bad News like super glue?

Dear Brenda,

I'm basically at my wits end. I've been seeing a guy I really care about for a few months now. He knows this and has the same feelings. The problem is he's been hurt so many times he's petrified it'll happen again. His last situation happened over a year ago but he is still sometimes difficult to get near. I really like this guy and don't want to see this end, and I don't believe he does either, but what can I do? I would greatly appreciate any advice.
- Jennygirl

Dear Jennygirl,

If, after only a few months, you find yourself at your wit's end with a guy who you really care about, I can suggest a few things:

Assume that you are the one who will bring him around, that special one in a million woman who will suddenly make him see the light, believe that he can possibly make a commitment to you some day, and watch yourself get your heart broken into a million pieces when he dumps you after a few months/years, as the closer you both get to "real & substantial" the more fearful and claustrophobic he becomes...

Or you can realize that when you have problems this early on in a relationship, you just might want to listen to that little voice in your head, you know the one, and try not to get so involved. Of course he wants to be in a secure, healthy relationship with you, but it doesn't sound like he's ready at the moment, and you have to deal with the fact that he might never be ready. A normal, healthy person will at some reasonable point bounce back when a past relationship goes bad. Yes, it hurts like hell when someone decides to dump us, but we don't punish ourselves for the rest of our lives because of it.

There's a book floating around in bookstores these days called "He's just not that into you." Basically the book states that if a guy is giving you excuses, run. And "I've been hurt before, so let me call the shots or I will pull away from you even more." is a classic. If he's reasonably baggage-free and he values you and he wants to be with you, nothing will stop him. If he's not that into you but likes keeping you around for a variety of reasons until something better comes along, then he's just not that into you. Read this to any guy friend you know and watch every one of them nod their heads in agreement. I would call this a third possibility.

Now, if you've left out the part of your email that would imply that you are actually pressuring him for more than he can give you right now, then the way he's behaving is understandable. You push and he's going to retreat. The only red flag I can see in your letter is that it's only been a few months and you're already sounding a bit impatient. You're still getting to know each other. My advice to you is to spend time together with no pressure. Laugh, have fun, do simple things together. Let him build up some trust in you as a couple. He knows he has a poor track record in his judgment with women, so if you understand that and are patient, you can win his heart slowly but surely.

But here's the rub. If he's a nice guy and is being honest with you, it could eventually pay off into a meaningful relationship. But... if he's giving you the standard excuses, then nothing you can do can fix what isn't there for him. So pay attention to his behavior. He is either consistently drawn to you, or he isn't.

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