How much can depression affect a relationship?

Dear Brenda,

I have been dating my boyfriend for a year. He is the sweetest thing in the world and I love him with all my heart so I don't understand why I have the problems I do. First of all, I obsess over the other two girls he has been with, even though I'm his only serious girlfriend and they were both a long time ago. Also, I get furious at him and really hurt about little things that to me show he doesn't love me as much as I love him.

For example, yesterday I asked if I could see him on Thursday and he said yes, and then he called later and asked if he could change it to Friday. Today I am avoiding his phone calls because I feel hurt, even though Friday makes more sense anyway. I am really insecure about his feelings for me although it's obvious that he adores me. I am always looking for some problem or feel horrified by the slightest lack of attention.

I've been feeling sort of sad for a long time, not really related to him, so I think maybe that is affecting me. I feel like I depend on him too much for my happiness and I obsess over him way too much but I can't help it. I still have my own life but I can't bear to be apart from him for more than a few days. And I feel like I get madder at him when I don't see him. I feel like this is the guy I want to marry but I don't want to ruin it with my moods, dependence and insecurities. What do I do?

Dear Pamela926,

Well, you seem to have a clear grasp on how you feel, and how your actions are affecting this relationship. Here's what I would do:

1. Go get checked out for depression. (check your health insurance for options) It might just be a mild case, hopefully. But never the less, you'll feel better having someone to talk to, and if it is clinical depression, they might prescribe something to help you cope with life a bit better. Depression can be more serious than you think.

Depression Resources from the Mental Health Guide

2. Ask yourself why you are so miserable. Did you just move to a new town, with the boyfriend as your only friend? Have you let other relationships with your friends fade away to spend time with the boyfriend? If he starts to feel that you are depending on him for your happiness, he might just split, as that is a lot of pressure to put on one person.

I would suggest you start putting a little more balance in your life, go out with more girlfriends, see movies, have tea, take some classes, join a book club, go for a boat ride, anything that will help build your life into something that is fuller, richer and happier. When he sees all this happening, he will naturally want to spend more time with you. When you do have time to see him, you will have lots of interesting things to tell him! I wish you the best!

Back to advice archive