She's dating someone else -- Why did I wait for her?

Dear Brenda,

My name is Graham. I am 35, a divorced father of two. I met a woman through my job and since I knew she was in a relationship, I told her I would not be anything but a friend and would wait. Time passed, and we became good friends. She knew about the feelings I had for her, as I am not one to hide them. When I heard that her relationship failed, I thought I would be in a better position to ask her out, but I have just found out that she has started a relationship with another guy. Should I put this down as a bad experience or go after her? I know she has feelings for me, as she is always ringing me. I just don't know which way to go. Thanks, your advice is appreciated.
- Graham

Dear Graham,

Hmm... She knows how you feel about her, and that you're available and waiting, yet she chose to involve herself with another man. I assume she never made you any promise that sounded like "Oh Graham, I know I'm seeing James now, but as soon as it ends, as it must someday, I'll be proud and happy to rush into your waiting arms..." Sorry, but it isn't happening.

It's possible that she's intimidated by the fact that you are, indeed, a divorced father of two. You have to admit that that is fairly daunting for a single woman, as usually dating a man with an ex-wife can be difficult enough. And calling someone to chat is typically more pal/buddy/confidant behavior. Calling frequently does not mean someone wants to date you.

Here's the thing. The more effortless the relationship (from the start), the better a chance you have of it lasting. You have yet to get to square one to prove this theory. Now, If you want to give it one more shot, (which I advise against because she already knows you are interested in her) then you could be straight with her over coffee, letting her know that you are asking her out one more time, then moving on. If your friendship is as solid as you say it is, she'll be cool about it, even if she doesn't want to pursue it on a romantic level. Roughly 90% of my good male friends have propositioned me at one time or another, and I just tell them in a good natured way to stop it, I'm much happier being their pal. (It lasts longer...) And if you want to know why, it's because I like/love their personalities but I am not physically attracted to them. I can't tell them this, so I am forced to leave them thinking that I'm confused about what I want. It's not easy having male friends who want more. Ask any woman in this situation and she will tell you the same thing -- If she's rebuffed her guy friend's advances, it's because she isn't physically attracted to him. If she was, he'd be perfect for her. He's sexy and a great friend? Yes! Think about it.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but I think you should broaden your horizons and ask out other people. Bottom line -- (and this is not behavior that separates the genders): If she wanted to be with you, she would be.

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