Uh oh… Am I Dating a "Rules" Girl?

Dear Brenda,

I have been seeing this girl for about 4 weeks (5th date) and up until our date last night, I thought things were progressing nicely. We have been to movies, dinner and even my friend's wedding. We have great chemistry and I love to be with her. Romantically we have ended each date with passionate kissing (including the first) but last night, she pulled away when I went to kiss her. She said that she thought we were moving to fast physically and that she wanted to get to know me better first. I let it go then but this and some other things are bothering me. First, why did she wait so long to tell me this when after every other date she got romantic? Second, she has yet to call me once, even the one time when I dropped a hit that it would be nice for her to call me. Finally, she hasn't even offered to pay for anything on any date yet. I'm 30 years old - she's 27 and I am just wondering what I should do now. She seems like she is old fashioned and I'm willing to wait for sex, but I'm feeling slightly used. She says she still wants to go out, but I'm not sure I want to anymore. Maybe I expected too much? How can I test this relationship? Back off? Refuse to pay? Dump her? Help?

Dear Bill,

Test the relationship? Hmmm.

1. She's sending mixed messages.
2. She never calls.
3. She never pays.

1. She's sending mixed messages.
It could be she's been thinking about the relationship and probably really likes you and therefore doesn't want to screw it up. Most women tend to think that men will respect them more if they don't act too wantonly right off the bat. Of course you want to move things along, but you have to respect her ability to take care of herself. I would cut her some slack for having the courage to bring it up.

Or... she's bought a copy of The Rules and is following it to the letter.

2. She never calls.
Ask her to call you. Tell her it would please you to no end if she would call and wish you good night sometime. That shouldn't be a problem. Keep in mind that some women (myself included) still operate on the mentality that men like to do the initial pursing at the beginning of a relationship, or whatever it happens to turn into. She might not want to appear too easy to catch, if you know what I mean. You understand. I think that if you make it clear that you won't be "turned off" if she calls you, then she should feel more comfortable and be okay with it. If she still can't force herself to pick up the phone, then be warned. She might be a Rules Girl.

3. She never pays.
This is a tough one. I didn't know women like this still existed. I naturally pay my share (or always offer) when I go out, especially if I have a job. Does she have a job? If so, then I'd be annoyed as well. She needs to realize that this is 2005, not 1905. (Baring unforeseen circumstances, like she gives all of her money to her sick aunt, but if that were the case, and she had a good heart, she would be trying to make it up to you with small gestures of affection and/or handmade gifts, wouldn't you think? My advice would be for you to have a talk with her about what's bothering you, and the sooner the better.

You could ask her something along these lines: "I get the feeling you don't want to rush things because you like me, but I also feel a bit like I am being tested. Sometimes men feel like they call too much, too. Would it be ok if we went on a few dates that were more platonic and went dutch so no one feels obligated or uncomfortable?"

Maybe she will admit to "blowing it" with other men, and that all of this was because she really likes you and wants it to work out. These are touchy subjects, but if you like this woman and see potential, then by all means, bring it up. Personally, I think this girl is pulling The Rules on you, Bill. I hope I'm wrong, but if she is, then nip it in the bud early, and see if you can't get her to just relax and be herself - and enjoy the time you spend together.

View Readers' Responses
Find out what others thought about this advice

Back to advice archive