Green Eyed Monster

When jealousy is present between lovers, you’ll realize what they say is true: the opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

Have you ever been jealous of the one you love? Has the one you love ever been jealous of you?

When jealousy is present between lovers, you’ll realize what they say is true: the opposite of love isn’t hate. The opposite of love is indifference.

Whether you call it jealousy or envy (there is a slight distinction), there’s nothing indifferent about it. Your partner sees you as more than a lover. You’re also his rival. If it’s intense, it can take on all the trappings of a Shakespearean drama, appropriate since it was the bard from Stratford-Upon-Avon who coined the phrase "Green Eyed Monster" in Othello. Those eyes come in many colors, but jealousy is a monster capable of destroying everything in its path. Love, friendship, and trust are crushed beneath its feet. Few emotions are as destructive, and fewer still are as self-destructive. The one who harbors the jealous feelings usually suffers the most, but the one on the receiving end would likely beg to differ.

Love is strange. We tend to seek partners who share our passions. The culture vulture falls in love with an art enthusiast, or maybe an artist. The sports fan shares the sheets with an athlete. But if our relationships are based only on qualities we share, we might as well date ourselves. The object of our desire usually possesses qualities we lack and wish to share. This is accomplished by falling in love. Is it any wonder that a lover often introduces his partner as "my better half"? He may even steal a page from Tom Cruise’s character in Jerry McGuire and say to his partner, "You complete me."

Such sentiments are deeply romantic, but they hint at something darker: dependence, surrendering our identity or linking it too strongly with our partner. That culture vulture who falls in love with an artist may yearn to be the artist whose work inspires admiration. The sports fan may secretly want to be the athlete, and feel frustrated that he’s forever on the sidelines, the spectator who cheers his lover on. If he doesn’t want to claim your triumphs as his own, he may wonder what you see in him.

Jealousy and envy are rooted in insecurity. The person who feels inferior to his partner may be green with envy (another Shakespeare phrase, this one from Anthony and Cleopatra). He may even become a saboteur intent on destroying the one he claims to love. In doing so, he’ll ultimately destroy himself, since his self-worth is tied to what he perceives as your superiority.

The jealous lover not only wonders who you’re with and what you’re doing, but competes with you. If you play a game, he won’t be content until he wins, and if he does, he’ll boast about it - "See, I did it better than you" - in ways a more confident person would not feel compelled to do. The person tormented by feelings of inferiority is rarely content with equality. He needs to believe he’s the best. He needs to feel superior. More importantly, he needs to have control.

There’s probably more hate than love in such a relationship, and the target of the jealousy should insist his partner seek psychological help. Should he refuse, make a quick exit. But it’s rarely that simple. The jealous lover who’s been rejected is now something more problematic: a rejected jealous lover. He may refuse to leave without a fight. He may become a stalker, watching your every move, mysteriously turning up in the unlikeliest places if he knows you’re going to be there, intent on sabotaging the life which he can no longer share.

Did you see Play Misty For Me?

Fatal Attraction?

An extreme example of a jealous relationship was portrayed on an episode of Law and Order: Criminal Intent. A prosecuting attorney resents his wife, a defense attorney with a prestigious firm who makes more money and enjoys a loftier status. Worst of all, she kicked his ass in court. His fragile ego craves revenge, and he frames her for plotting his murder.

In real life, such competitiveness would more likely lead to divorce, but sometimes the consequences are every bit as tragic as those imagined by dramatists.

Do gay men need to worry about jealousy?

Jealousy is potentially more intense in a heterosexual relationship. Straight men are more likely to accept society’s rigid definition of masculinity. Even now, when both the feminist and gay liberation movements are embedded in America’s consciousness, many men continue to cling to their role as bread-winner and boss. If his wife or partner brings home a bigger paycheck and has the more high-profile career, he may think he’s failed as a man. His "friends" may tease him, joking that his wife wears the pants, and that he’s been "pussy whipped." Such stupid comments may be meant facetiously, but once they’ve entered his ear, they head to his brain where they may be processed into something more serious.

Gay men may be less susceptible to such pressures, but they are not immune. On the plus side, a little bit of jealousy can add a certain excitement, a spark, to a relationship, especially in bed. Aggressive lovemaking can be cathartic, a way to unload hostile feelings in an acceptable manner, and, in the end, strengthen the love.

by Brian W. Fairbanks

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