So, you've got a date, and all signs point to a real relationship, a romance, not merely sex. You go out to dinner and as your forks flake the ocean perch, you discover you share a passion for seafood not limited to sailors. You're struggling for something to say, so you discuss the impending war with Iraq and learn that he, too, reads Gore Vidal, and not just The City and the Pillar, but also Vidal's biting, often sarcastic essays on political matters.

You stare into his eyes, he stares right back and seems more interested in peering through the windows of your soul than in seeing his own reflection. And it gets better: When you reach across the table to take his hand in yours, he doesn't pull away even though you're the only male couple in the restaurant and the waitress has been suppressing giggles all night. You're used to it, and in a way you even like it, so you leave her a generous tip and head on home, still holding hands.

Even though you're as impatient for sex as you hope he is, you love that he's content to cuddle up with you on the couch, sipping coffee, and watching This Gun for Hire on video. He's a movie buff, too, and he shares your fondness for film noir. He doesn't "identify" with Veronica Lake the way you do, and doesn't share your interest in wearing her clothes, but that makes him all the more exciting. He's your Alan Ladd, a hit-man, and when he hangs his target over your heart, you're so smitten you can't wait to help him pull the trigger.

By now, his five o' clock shadow is showing, and when you kiss him, the manly stubble scratching your face is such a turn-on that delaying sex any longer is impossible, so it's off to bed. The sex is phenomenal, and he's so gorgeous nothing could please you more than pleasing him, and when it's over, he doesn't leap from the sheets to clean up, nor does he roll over and fall fast asleep. He holds you, you hold him, and you fall asleep in each other's warm embrace.

You're in love. You assume he's in love too, but once he leaves in the morning, he's gone and gone for good. No phone calls, no surprise visits, no nothing.

What went wrong?

Were you too fem?

Was getting his pubic hair caught in your teeth more painful than he let on?

Maybe he was too much like Alan Ladd in that movie: a gun for hire, but hustlers always set their price before they fire their love bullets your way, so that can't be the answer.

No, what you likely have is an all too typical commitment phobic male. One of the advantages of homosexuality is that both parties have the same equipment. There's no mystery about what "that thing" does or how it feels when you wrap your tongue around it. One of the disadvantages is that men are still men: hunters rather than gatherers. A straight female once told me that she believes men are attracted to the chase. Once the conquest is made, however, the fun is over, the challenge is gone, and it's on to another conquest.

To those of us who have been conquered, and willingly so, this mentality can be both frustrating and hurtful. What can we do to soften the blow without becoming as down on men as many women seem to be?

Enjoy the romantic fantasy, but don't believe it on the basis of one ecstatic night.

When it's clear that the relationship won't progress beyond that first night, in other words when you know it's not a relationship at all, don't spend time brooding and pining away for him. The more you think about him, the more you'll want him. The deeper you fall in love, the longer the climb to recovery.

Don't become bitter and assume that all men are like that. After all, all men aren't gay, so differences certainly do exist. There are men who want more than sex and the thrill of the chase. You know it's true because you're one of them. Right?

So, dust yourself off and get back in the game. Broken hearts do heal. Don't let a fear of pain prevent you from seeking more pleasure.

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