Do you ever feel as though you’re runnin’ at a different speed? Do you go through periods when you can't sleep, can't eat, your heart sweats and your body shakes?

If so, you’re exhibiting symptoms of love addiction, at least as it was diagnosed by Robert Palmer whose 1986 song “Addicted to Love” was a number one smash, as well as the inspiration for a popular music video. The R and B singer’s death of a heart attack in September 2003 at the still youthful age of 56 suggests his most serious addiction was to the cigarettes he was incessantly photographed with throughout his career. But the lyrics to his song suggests he may have also confused an addiction to love with an addiction to its potentially more destructive twin: sex.

Sex addiction is serious stuff. Men are more likely to be sex addicts than women, and gay men are most susceptible of all. Since many gay men live and work in oppressive environments, they are isolated, and keep their closet door nailed tightly shut. Without a community in which to participate, they may turn to the Internet. With its limitless reach, cyberspace can provide many opportunities for relationships, and with its anonymity, it’s the perfect place for a closeted gay man to seek sex. Repression often leads to anxiety, and nothing relieves anxiety quite as effectively as an orgasm.

There are porn sites, of course, easily identifiable with their multiple X’s and warnings that the content is for “Adults Only.” There are also dating sites. Some dating sites are much more explicit that the one you’re visiting now. At Date.com, you can post a photo to give potential mates a look at your sweet smile and big baby blues. But elsewhere on the net are sites where the profiles include photos of a man’s naked genitals. Sometimes these explicitly erotic snapshots are accompanied by a portrait. Often, they are not. Clearly, the man who evaluates a potential partner strictly on a penis is interested less in love or a relationship than in hooking up for sex. Love may result, but it’s a long shot.

There’s nothing wrong with sex (I like it), but if a craving for purely physical gratification becomes your whole existence, it’s a problem that can have as damaging an effect on your life as alcohol or drugs. This can be true even if the sex involves nothing more than solitary masturbation.

Sex Addicts Anonymous, located on the web at sexaa.org, describes sex addiction’s potentially devastating effects.

“The essence of all addiction is the addicts' experience of powerlessness over a compulsive behavior, resulting in their lives becoming unmanageable. The addict is out of control and experiences tremendous shame, pain and self-loathing. The addict may wish to stop --- yet repeatedly fails to do so. The unmanageability of addicts' lives can be seen in the consequences they suffer: losing relationships, difficulties with work, arrests, financial troubles, a loss of interest in things not sexual, low self-esteem and despair.”

A sex addict turns to erotic gratification the way an alcoholic turns to booze, as a way to cope with problems he can't bring himself to face, often because the problems seem insurmountable. Women fall prey to addiction, too, but it’s primarily a problem for men who are notoriously more stoic, less likely to open up about their fears and insecurities, rarely seeking a shoulder to lean on or an ear to confide in. A closeted gay man, especially one who is ashamed of his desires, is often the most stoic of all. If his orientation is causing him concern, satisfying his sexual needs may seem like a way to confront the issue, but it’s usually a form of avoidance. When you are proudly and openly gay, you've integrated your sexuality into your whole life. A love of men is a part of a gay man’s well-balanced life, but not his whole existence. Simply indulging in secret, anonymous sex can isolate sexual feelings. Sex becomes a separate entity, a dark alley rather one more sidewalk on the main street.

Like many heterosexual men, closeted gay men may be unwilling to seek help because they believe that to acknowledge a problem is unmanly. If they've bought into that myth, they'll likely believe the lie that nothing demonstrates a lack of masculinity quite like homosexuality. If homosexual feelings are the source of their fear, admitting they need help may only magnify the problem. Sex becomes the escape, but the freedom is short-lived, more of a furlough than a parole.

Whether you’re hopping from bed to bed, or spending hours sitting in front of your computer with your erect penis in hand, you may be a sex addict or in danger of becoming one. What can you do?

The same communication technology that enables so much addictive behavior can provide the first step to recovery. There’s plenty of information about sex addiction on the Internet, including quizzes that can help you decide if you need help. One that I have found to be useful is Sex Help.com’s screening test for gay men.

Sex, be it gay or straight, is a gift. It should be joyous, a celebration of one person’s love for another. It should make you feel liberated, not trapped. If you feel that sex has become a trap for you, you’re probably a sex addict and are advised to seek help.

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