Pick Me Ups!

Three books were very important to me in my youth:

The first was To Kill A Mockingbird. I still haven't read Harper Lee's classic, but having seen the movie on TV, it seemed like a pretty good choice for my sixth grade book report. It was a good choice in seventh and eighth grade, too.

I never wrote a book report on Dr. David Reuben's Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid To Ask), and I never read the entire book, but the chapter on "Male Homosexuality" fed my fantasies for several years. The yellow stains I left on its pages still tell a tale or two of its effect on me.

Then there was a little volume called How To Pick Up Girls whose author I can no longer name. Now, obviously, that was a subject in which I had absolutely no interest, but most boys on the edge of puberty were concerned with little else. Upon seeing this little volume advertised in Playboy, an acquaintance of mine sent away for it, just as he sent away for a pair of glue-on sideburns meant to add a look of maturity to his 12 year-old face. The sideburns were not convincing, and neither were the claims made by How To Pick Up Girls. Any boy confident enough to approach a strange girl and say "I'll bet your name is Lisa," thinking it would lead to an evening of romance, wouldn't need help from any guidebook. He could probably write his own.

It's a funny thing, though. While a straight guy would likely be laughed at, sneered at, or ignored by any woman to whom he directed that remark, a gay guy might hit the jackpot when posing the same comment to another queer. Ask me if my name is Lisa, I'd smile shyly and say "No. I prefer Brianna." After that, who knows what could happen, but we'd be off to a good start.

Which brings me to the thrust of this column: How to Pick Up Men, or, more accurately, How Men Have Picked Me Up. What worked for them with me, may work for you on someone else, so pay attention.

On one occasion, I was doing maintenance work in a social service agency. I was a veteran with several weeks of wringing a mop to my credit when a new guy joined the team. Forgive me for saying so, but he was immediately attracted to me, and wasted no time in expressing an interest in bedding me down. Noticing that I smoked, he said "I like to put things in my mouth, too, but not cigarettes." I didn't tell him I was gay, and don't know if he simply assumed it or didn't care, but he made no secret of his sexual orientation. He was bold. He was also persistent, repeatedly inviting me to his apartment and complimenting me on my attractiveness at every turn. "I love your hair," he said in reference to my reddish blonde waves. Let me tell you, flattery will get you everywhere and, in this case, it put me where my admirer wanted me all along: in the sack. What lesson do we learn from this example? If you want someone, make no secret of the fact. And be persistent. It can pay off.

Of course, the workplace is not the best place to make a move on another man, but the shopping mall is perfect for cruising. I escaped the world of brooms and floor wax by enrolling in college. After class, I made a habit of prowling a nearby mall, just bumming around and minding my own business. Fortunately, not everyone minds his own business, and one day I was approached by just such a person. Noticing the books under my arm, he said "You know, once I checked a book out of the library called Boys In Bars and it turned out to be about gays!" He laughed as if to suggest the book fell into his hands completely by accident. But, he added, "It was a pretty good book." Well, you know and I know he checked that book out deliberately but was acting surprised to gauge my reaction. Since I did not flee from him in a homosexual panic, he had reason to suspect I was a fellow traveler. Before long, he felt relaxed enough in my presence to comment on the pink dresses on display in a nearby window. Perhaps he was wondering how I'd look in one. I never did read Boys In Bars, but if I wrote a book about what happened next I'd call it Boys In Bed. Lesson learned? If you're interested in another man, but not sure how he'll respond to your interest, drop a hint or two. Feel him out. If you don't scare him off, you could be feeling him up before the night is over.

These are just two examples of encounters in which I was successfully picked up by men who had little reason to think they'd get lucky. One thing each of these men had in common was a wiliness to lose. Only by risking failure can you hope to succeed. You will strike out from time to time - everyone does - but if you want to hit a home run, you have to swing the bat.

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