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Finding Faults
Comment from lyndi3
I think it's a GREAT topic, and very relevant. The article is very "surface", only points out the issue and suggests one solution "unveil his crucial topics". People in this situation do it unconsciously and repeatedly. To be effective I think the article needs to be much more specific, giving ideas and helpful hints, not just a suggestion to "watch how much the other drinks", and "don't rationalize the red flags". If it's an unconscious pattern, how are people supposed to identify the "red flags"! Would have enjoyed reading, however felt let down by lack of content (sorry, Nancy)
Comment from Loies
I have not accepted over 100 men due to red flags I saw. For me it is more subtle than putting down the bottle -- such as for ANY addictive behavior it means there is an underlying factor of poor communication skills and/or inability to be intimate. but I get "lost" in trying to understand if I'm just uncomfortable with the man because he is different = better, or if it truly is a red flag. Any help on this subtlety?
Comment from saavikam17
Good but very short.. ok for the individuals who have already started to think in these areas but not enough substance for those have not. You could put links to other personal development authors/ or similar for example?
Comment from desade912
very, well put I have the same problem but now I have decided to get out of the relationship with this drama queen I am much happier now, until she calls and ask why, I hate when some takes my love for granted, thank you for the advice.
This is so true. My last relationship ended and if I would have recognized those same traits my ex had I would have to off running. Instead I chose to explain away the very flags that should have warned me. I am now going to make every effort possible to recognize bipolar disorder. Thank you date.com.
Comment from wanting a break
It is very easy to say screen new people for the old traits that your ex had. I agree with this idea but there must be something deeper. I am a good looking guy and I have a decent choice in who I date. Every relationship I have had ends up in the girl turning me into a emotional wreck! why is this? They start off so normal then suddenly , after you have just put your guard down, turn into a indecisive, depressive, unloving person. I don't get it. They turn into someone you would have never considered. by this time they have secured your feelings and you find the relationship giving more pain then pleasure. The problem is you keep thinking about how it used to be and how perfect it was. So you find yourself trying to fix it, of course this never works. This is probably why unhappy relationships last so long, living in the past and thinking of old memories. What makes people turn into this other personality? is it something I must be doing? or is the type of girl I'm going for at fault? I will keep the head up and try to be more careful in the future ,but these types of people hide this side of themselves so well.
Comment from Toogether2004
This is a very good, article. I agree with this article, once you re-evaluate your expectations, you can set reasonable boundaries with yourself.
Comment from L. DiOrio
No research, no facts. I was wholly unimpressed. As a writer I wonder how this person is published. --it's something I might have written when I was five. Come on!!!
Comment from Nina
It is fully true. However, I faced lying and I wonder how do I spot that the attractive man is a liar? It takes time to find out!
Comment from debaj10
You got THAT right!
Very good article.
Comment from josh33333
Sounds like a good article and makes sense. But how do you tell if they are controlling because that's all I seen to find. My friends tell me they're all like that but I'm optimistic.
Comment from SafeMode
This article hit the nail on the head. I keep getting involved with the wrong women. Always the same results. unhealthy relationships. I now watch for the early warning signs. A lot of articles seem to focus on how women get involved with the unhealthy selfish type of guy. Believe me there are a lot of selfish and unhealthy women out there as well. It's time to take a look at the other side of the coin. Thanks for your article Regards
Comment from SonofAbraham
I agree. At the ripe old age of 32, I still find myself in and out of bad relationships to this day. It's funny how they all start out the same. This girl must've been sent from heaven above! It's not funny how they all end the same. The relationship from hell! I'm man enough to take the blame for my own faults (Nobody's perfect..) But I have noticed that I do in fact have this tendency to be attracted to the same type of girl, over and over again. Even having seen the so-called warning signs, over and over again. I would also just like to add something here: Falling into a new relationship out of loneliness is also not the way to go. I think that this might have something to do with the above mentioned article. It's real easy to fall for someone, knowing and seeing the warning signs, but not wanting to feel lonely. So we toss our gut instinct out the window and go with the flow instead. Hey, at least I have someone to spend time with, right? Wrong! Sometimes it's good to be alone for awhile. No one's ever really alone, just lonely. I will take the time to get to know someone a lot better, look for those warning signs, and stop taking chances with my heart. Thanks, your article was very re-assuring. Peace!
Comment from allizzander
Excellent advise, I will definitely put this into practice and try to make a habit out of it so that I don't end up with the same "wrong" kind of person in my life.
Comment from maras4real
I am very happy about this massage, in fact you have made my day a beautiful day. ever since I started dating, I have never find a true love. how I wish you understand what am saying. am in a terrible condition now. my heart is full of pains. but with this your advice I feel I will make it.
Comment from Joni
I also think we need to look at our relationship with the opposite gender parent to determine if we are trying to correct something in adult life we could not in childhood. Perhaps the parent was quite distant and paid little attention to you, you unconsciously choose partners who are distant or emotionally unavailable and attempt to gain their approval as a way to vindicate that old pain. Doing a bit if introspection on this might also point out some root cause issues that are leading you into painful / unhealthy relationships. The other factor to look at is the relationship your parents or other significant adult showed you as a child, for this is what we tend to see as "normal" even when it's very dysfunctional.
Comment from rcbme
I myself have been in relationship after relationship with either bad feelings or emotions, as I read this article I have to admit that I woke up! i need to start looking and feeling out personality traits so as not to get hurt all the time. and time after time I have or seem to get involved with the wrong woman. thanks for helping me open my eyes.!!
Comment from a Dating Diva
In my quest to 'graduate' from the fluff department of 'bad' relationships for a lack of a better word. I have been on a roll to 'edumacate' and explore why I attract or in the Spirit of live/learn why personal relationships fizzle in that department. Your article finally makes some sense in a nut shell amongst other issues I've personally experienced. It 'appears' that some of the stuff only comes out later..and difficult to spot as you mentioned in the attraction stage; the article gave some very useful tips in the 'getting to you stage' A question for you, I have a wonderful person I'm dating in the getting to know you stage, however, also kissing/attraction stage..how would you recommend to say in no uncertain terms that it will NOT lead to sex..since that chemistry is sooo high at this point. Thank you :)
Comment from mamafullosong
This is very true. It's often helpful to take some time alone and learn more about yourself. Sometimes all it takes is some introspection to notice you have a reason for not taking better care of yourself.
Comment from stephenraye
Terrible article with a single issue topic and slant against men in general. God help you if your attractive according to Ms. Fagan's own words. Men that are less then attractive should be deemed more trust worthy. The author makes it appear as if she is dealing with both sides evenly, her speech (writing) betrays her. The content of her article, clearly is biased towards the female kind. In evaluating the content, the author makes statements with no solid facts to backup her assumptions and not enough data to qualify this article as featured or even as it is titled. The author obviously is dealing with here experiences and issues about drinking not to mention her prejudices towards the male gender. Forget about it if your attractive, you are lower then pond scum and are to be scrutinized at all times. This article should of had more depth to it. There are a lot more red flags to watch for in a beginning relationship then the ones this author alludes to, be it male or female. (Ms. Fagot next time employ a ghost writer). After all men are paying to be on this site too! Let's be fair! Women are just as bad or good as men. Sometimes worse. Now take that to the bank all you gold diggers.
Comment from vikramaditya
seem very useful
I have tried looking for signs "bad" signs in dates and found I still keep ending up with the same traits. Take my ex-wife and my current girlfriend when I first met her she was the exact opposite of my ex-wife and I was looking for those traits to show up, we even talked about them and she assured me she "would never do any thing like that" but now she displays almost all of the exact same traits as my ex. She had watched me as a friend and had seen first hand what I went through and now is acting just like my ex.
Comment from juliechristie
Yes I can see the same pattern in my dates. I seem to attract needy insecure men, I am a positive outgoing sociable person very focused on my goals in life. But, the type of man who I meet ties me down with his own self doubts keeps and sees me as his 'strength'. I am guilty of rationalizing, then find while I am doing that they have hi-jacked me before I have made up my mind and are planning a life long relationship without consulting me on what I want!
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