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This Nice Guy is Tired of Finishing Last
Some tend to substitute the word 'nice' for the more appropriate 'boring'. Being nice is NOT being rude of disrespectful to anyone, dating or not. Hopefully, CJ has some personality he can draw upon. The one consistent thing girls go for is a sense of humor....everyone likes to laugh. Now, where you get one of those, I have no idea! Just try to be relaxed and show that fun loving-spontaneous side, make her smile now and then, and you will be in like flint.
Comment from Tricia23
How old is CJ? If he is 40 something; please send him my way.
Comment from dawn
I think that is the best advice for CJ. I'm a nice girl who was planning to become a little wild to get a boyfriend. I just read that there is a guy out there who will wait until I'm ready to start kissing and hugging. I need to stick to my feelings and eventually, I'll get the person I feel comfortable with. I hope you will heed the advice and hold out for the right girl, she's out there.
Comment from Cheryl Lambe
Don't settle for second best, sooner or later you will find that special someone, follow your heart know what you are looking for and by all means don't be afraid to go out and get it. You will find that someone who will appreciate being treated like a lady. Be patient! I'm sure she is out there.
Comment from mrNICE
Hey CJ. Join the club, mate. I couldn't dump my ex because she knew that I was too nice and considerate, therefore she kept threatening me.... like: if I left her she would commit suicide... etc. So she was not shy to get off with my mates. one of them was (and still is with her) with a very nice girl. He did sleep with her. Now the tables are turned. His girlfriend (which I really think she's by miles, nicer 4 what he is) flirts with me. But, as a nice guy I just can't do it. I think that is unfair on someone to get off with his partner (despite that he did it to me). I mean that's life... unfair!!! It doesn't mean that I intend to change my character and personality, just because in life you come across with mean people... keep it nice and happy... CJ mate. be lucky.
Comment from bigevildoer
Hey CJ. You're in the same boat as me. I still know how to have fun like the "bad boy" types, but I'm still a gentleman, not some knuckle dragging oaf that so many women want nowadays. Brenda says "wait, and you'll be discovered" -- you can't be discovered - it doesn't' t work. You've got to get up and search for it. Even then, it will be difficult.. Chances are, the women that are available in their 30's have been in serious relationships already, and have a baggage train and a half behind them. Makes it hard to knock down their walls, and frustrates the hell out of us. Am I right? I figure you agree with me... This may sound jaded, but after 5 years of looking after a failed relationship, I'm having difficulty finding someone who doesn't fall into the "baggage train" or "want a Sugar Daddy to spoil me"... Hopefully things will work out for ya! Chin up and keep up the quest for that right kind of girl...
Comment from TroisJay
CJ, Have a look here: http://www.doubleyourdatingprogram.com. It is not about becoming a jerk, but about becoming 'interesting', unpredictable, making sure that women become\stay attracted to you. The free(!) newsletter is great. If you think it makes sense, you could buy the stuff (and no, I'm not an affiliate, the link is to the mainpage only where you can sign up for free). What I think you 'need' is a mindshift: don't act needy or 'desperate', act relaxed and confident but make clear (and make it 100% clear!) that you don't need a woman to have a life (because you have to have a life on your own): that way you take away the power a woman tries to obtain over you. It's weird: in the dating game men give power to women (acting needy and clingy, boring them to death with all the textbook-behaviour) and women (ab-) use that situation, manipulating (either intentionally or not) men to get what they want. Why? Because they are looking for the Alpha male. But then, shouldn't men look for the Alpha female? Once you realise that both men and women want\need each other in the same way (well, more or less), it becomes a more equal game.... after all, women have to loose a lot if they keep choosing the wrong guys: physical abuse is no good, but too many messed up relationships is no good either. And having the offspring of the wrong dad doesn't make life easier either (let alone finding a new 'partner' that wants to raise some other guys' kids). You don't want a woman that has been around (too much). Let Pamela marry Tommy Lee (or vice versa) for the 3rd or 4th time, you don't want her because she's a relationship-disaster, right? In other words: you're too good for her. So don't 'moan' about the ones that go for the jerks, they will get their share. Go for the one(s) that are a bit smarter: attract them, keep them attracted. And laugh at all the other ones. They will envy you and your happy, stable relationship, one day.
Comment from ThatGuyThere100
Seems pretty damn unsatisfactory if you ask me. When a guy is young and has the energy but was raised with some values and respect for women he is expected to wait until his 30s so that the majority of the women will have burnt themselves out and started to get desperate for a 'man that truly loves them'? Call me cynical, but it's as if the undeserving are being rewarded with favor and the deserving shunned until being made the final alternative to loneliness in later years. It seems pretty backwards to me. I can sympathize with CJ because I am stuck in the same scenario and it is truly frustrating and most women have absolutely no idea how awful and insulting it can be in such a situation.
Comment from Franklyn
Always read your heart & follow it but I advice you go for good guy that does not smoke & the person that love you as you are, not want you have.
Comment from trueluap
CJ must change his approach. Take it from another "nice guy", nice guys DON'T attract women physically, only as friends. The days of chivalry, selflessness, singular adoration of your date are gone. Women want two things that rarely exist in one man: friendship (as in best, tell all, share all, etc.) and a man who will lead (sometimes with abandon). The old saying that a "lover leads and a friend follows" is exactly the paradigm that most women, especially as they get older and survive relationships, are seeking in one man.
Well, I think nothin' can beat Brenda's answer.....its true that we should be ourselves and just have patience, cos the day you get the perfect one for ya you will be glad for being yourself. Relationships based on compromising yourself do not last longer anyways....
Comment from Physics Guy
CJ, You are right. I am a 43 year-old man who is tall, intelligent (4 college degrees), and I own a co-op in an upper middle-class neighborhood in New York City. I treat people with the respect I would like in return. I have never had a girlfriend, though I have had numerous platonic friendships with young women. I believe the main reason is because I am perceived as a "nice guy." The absolute worst thing a man can do to a young woman is bore her. Most young women see nice guys as boring. (That is what they really mean when they say things like, "I like you, but not in that way.") One female friend told me she loved her boyfriend because he is a jerk sometimes. Another told me she needed a guy who was "bad enough to be interesting." I think that is the real answer. You have to show women that you have a dangerous side. Be willing to take chances. I teach college and I see the way the young women eyes light up when a young man talks about his latest skydiving experience, or how he loves to go motorcycle riding. Women chase men like Tommy Lee because they know it will be a wild ride. You don't have to be an abusive rock star but you have to be willing to show that you have a wild side. As the saying goes, nice guys sleep alone. Bad boys sleep with women who look like supermodels.
Comment from sharibaby
CJ, I am a nice person and I would love to meet a nice guy. I am always judged, because I am not perfect. I don't want to be perfect either. I am a simple country style girl, who happens to be full figured(not some skinny model woman), but I do have a good heart and yearn to find a nice guy myself, can never get a man too give me a chance, as they look for the model skinny type. So look my profile up and see what you think. What can you lose! Nothing! See ya! Take Care.
Comment from casagrandesenor
Brenda's advice seems to make a lot of sense. I recently went on a blind date with a woman with whom I have mutual cousins (on opposite sides of the family of course). We seemed to have a lot of fun together and I got the impression we cliqued immediately. However, she later neglected to return my calls. I saw her a few weeks later at one of our mutual cousin's house and she acted oblivious to me. Before leaving, she gave me a "halfway hug" and told me to keep in touch. I learned she had a lot of negative experiences with boyfriends who were the "jerks" that many women seemed to like. Another cousin simply told me to let the whole thing go and "DO NOT KISS HER BUTT." Well more than a month later she called out of the blue and apologized for the way she acted around me. We have pretty good conversations over the phone, but I've learned it's best to act as if it doesn't matter whether or not you hook up (although it does matter to you). Anyone who seems eager or desperate is just waiting to have the door slammed in his/her face. Worse yet this person can end up with someone of a questionable character whom nobody else wants.
Comment from warmnncozy
Find an older woman.
Comment from russ
CJ. Just go with it. That's just the way women are. I don't advocate abuse or violence by any means and I agree with what Brenda said about women that are attracted to abusive or violent guys. But, just as the sky is blue, ice is cold, and fire is hot women just aren't attracted to the proverbial "nice guys". So, as my daughter says, "deal with it". Sure there are exceptions to my statement but they are the very small minority. Let me share some things from my own life and dating life with you and maybe it will help you. I always had trouble getting dates, picking up a woman at parties or other events blah, blah, blah. Sure I had women friends but that's pretty much all my relationships with women amounted to, just friends. Well, when I was 51 years old my wife left me for another man. Yeah, yeah, I was a nice guy. Loving, attentive, etc., etc. Well, after a while I decided it was time "to get back out there". I tried dating and as a fellow nice guy you can imagine my success rate. Nada, zero, zilch, nuttin'! Couldn't even get a phone number and if I gave mine never got a call. I had a job at the time where I was in contact with the public. This afforded me a lot of chances to meet women on a daily basis. One day a woman came in and we had a rapport and I began to kid her heavily about things she said, things she did, even a couple of articles of clothing she was wearing, those types of things. After about 30 minutes I realized she was enjoying it. And I felt like there was some attraction. This went on at least an hour that day then the last few minutes she remarked a couple of times things like, "if I weren't married you'd be busy tonight" or "you'd have my number". At home that night I was trying to figure why this woman was so responsive and seemed attracted to me. Then it hit me. I remembered the few women I'd met as a younger man that really gave me attention and that "wanted me" were women that I either wasn't really interested in or women that I'd started out just messing with like the woman above. So, I started "busting" on women, good naturedly and in a nonchalant manner, to see what would happen. Well CJ, to make this a bit shorter, I'm now 57 and have women asking me out. And yes some actually pay for either all the date or part of it. And most of these women are in their mid thirties to mid forties. That's 10 years and more younger than me. Now I'm not a hunk by any yard stick. I'm average build, balding, what hair is left is grey to white, I wear tri-focals, and I'm not even 5' 10" tall. Yet I date, I have women ask me out, offer me their phone numbers, and yes some women that ask me out are married women. I don't go with them but they do ask me out. The point is CJ don't be such a nice guy. Don't be so nice to them and act soooo interested. Use what I described above to create an air of uncertainty with them. Don't let them know that you really, really want to go out with them. You can be "too nice". Stop it. Have fun with them. Be good natured and friendly about it but stop being so darn nice to them and bust on them a little. Most you'll have laughing at themselves and laughter is a great tension breaker and attractant. Give it a try CJ. Believe me it works. ;-)
Comment from Talka
I am deeply convinced that all kinds of any true relationship MUST begin honestly, let alone that so very special kind - love relations. If they are a total lie - how can it become true later? However, don't lose your hope, please. Nice guys finish too. One day.... when they are sincere, of course...
Comment from Sassy
There are plenty of women looking for exactly what he is describing! He needs to look for a woman who was not raised in a dysfunctional family, and she is well adjusted. We are out there. He should also not be looking for a beautiful woman with a great body. These women are sometimes quite shallow!
Comment from lavdream
Dear CJ, like the saying goes, "if you go to the bar, you get the kind of women who go to the bar". i'm not sure you'd enjoy the kind of women who are not suitable for you, given the description of yourself that you had given. Just give yourself some time and relax. Once you relax and enjoy the moment, then you'll loosen up a bit and loosen your obsessive of finding a partner. Then the magic will take place: you'll find someone that you'd treasure.
Comment from redneckredhead
The women who go for the bad boy type are usually naive and immature. They see this guy who seems to be having fun, and they want to have fun too. A wild time has a certain appeal for a younger girl. I should know, I was one of those girls. In time girls seem to mature, like I did. It didn't take me long before I knew I had been making mistakes in my choices. Now I am searching again, and I am looking for the type of person that you described. It may seem like nice guys finish last, but now to worry, this won't last forever. In the end, if you are true to yourself, you will find the love of your life. You will be happy, in the long run. Just be patient for now. In time you'll find the endless possibilities, and in the end the one that you've looked for all along. And she'll be mature enough to know it.
Comment from Michelle756
I would advise CJ to stick to his high standards. I myself find it very difficult to find a nice, polite, well mannered guy. He will eventually find the one who fit his needs.
Comment from cuddlebunny247
Don't give up I'm looking for a guy like you and there are not many left. But i'm not going to settle for something less than what I know can get. Don't give up buddy the Mrs. Right will come maybe later than before sooner but it will happen.
Comment from Reyna
Dear CJ, Don't give in to fit in, what you think they are looking for! Be yourself and be patient the right woman will see your qualities. I didn't think that good man were still available and you proof me wrong. Good luck and stay busy it helps believe me I'm living proof.
Comment from Yankee05
I don't have any advice for him as I too am in the same situation. My problem is that I am not in my 20's or 30's. I am now 52, separated and have always been know as the "nice guy" who can't get the girl. I empathies with CJ and know what it is like to go all out and still be the one to go home alone and lonely. I haven't given up but I agree that there are some beautiful women who let themselves get stuck with some of the most "unusual" guys I have ever seen and end up in really poor relationships when there are men out there that really want to be cared for.
Comment from BearsBrother
This is a bit off-target to the subject, but I wanted to offer my thoughts to the Nice guys or girls out there that might benefit from my experience. There is a line in the Mel Gibson movie 'Payback' that goes (more or less) - "The world is full of Nice Guys, because people need someone to take advantage of." In my experience I have found this to be most definitely true. All my life I have been a Nice Guy; kind, generous and always willing to help people out to the best of my abilities, especially those closest to me (read - the women I loved). In retrospect, I believe my ex recognized this trait and used it to her financial advantage. When I made it clear the monetary aid would stop, so did the relationship. My advice would be - If you're like me, you will probably never get over your Nice Guy tendencies, but you absolutely should learn to impose limits on how far nice will go. If the new Love of Your Life gets a bit chilly when your generosity reaches it's limit, a little red light should go on. Real love should not be dependent on anything material, and this applies to men and women equally.
Comment from prettie
CJ, please make your head cool, because there are a lot of girls out there who are looking for such a guy like you. Only that you are getting yourself into the wrong hand. Just go into your inner room and pray to your God. 'Im very sure he will answer you. Take care of yourself and dont forget that someone somewhere really care for you.
Comment from pasha b_a
girl I am not going to dis you or anything but you need to wake up and face the real world seek the best for yourself take it from a girl who knows
Comment from adeans2004
C.J, nice guys don't finish last. I consider myself a nice guy. I will never show up for a date without flowers. Usually one single yellow rose for friendship. I open doors and always let the lady enter first. However I have to agree with Brenda that this is usually something that comes with age. I may be an exception to that rule as I was raised on a ranch and always had a great deal of respect for women. But now that I am older, 61, it is something that is sought after by women my age. Just hang in there. We all grow up.
Comment from greatness05
I have a question that has bugged me for a while now, why do women always go back to their ex boyfriends? It makes no sense to me. If it didn't work once it surely isn't going to workout a second or even a third time. Why not just try to find someone who will actually treat them right?
Comment from Sincerity222
HI men, The realization you have had about ladies going for what might seem to be the wild lot, and not gentlemen like yourself should not bother you in any way. If you are out for a serious relationship, you are good enough, being gentle and well-behaved. For this reason, the girl of your life will come to you, and you not search for her. You will her for she will appreciate you for whom you are, and the moment you try to be a wild guy because you want to be with this or that lady, you will become a failure, for you will be pretending to be whom you are not, and ladies hate that, in same way as a pig hates a clean environment. And for all the ladies reading this, life is fun, but remember the more you think fun is gotten from the wild guys who have no real interest in you but merely sex, you will soon discover that they have exhausted you, and when you are ready for a real relationship with a modest guy, you won't make the test for the modest guy, and Mr. wild will no longer be there for you. Create some worthy relationship while you are still a full lady with all the great qualities in you, and you will enjoy the long run of it with that guy your love has grown with. In sum, be yourself, and you will find your love sooner or later. You will realize real love comes not by trying an affair with everyone who puts on a skirt and not trousers. I wish you the best of success in your love life.
Comment from chivalry2
I knew someone once who had an alcoholic spouse. He didn't know how to get her help, and he didn't know how to get himself help. So he suffered silently. It never occurred to him that he had friends who did notice. One day his wife got very ill from all her drinking and ended up in the hospital. She was severe enough she was told that if she didn't stop, she'd die. A friend who had been on the 'sidelines' for years helped him through that and in the process, discovered she'd been in love with him most of her life. Shortly after that they lost track of one another for a couple of years. When they met again, she took the opportunity to sit him down and tell him she loved him. She didn't care that he might not love her back, she just needed to tell him. As it turns out, he did love her back. Passionately. And four years later, they're still just as passionate about one another. Sometimes the greatest love and devotion comes from unexpected places. You might find that there's already someone who's been in your life that you never really noticed before, or never thought of in that way and it'll come out of left field someday and surprise you. Sometimes you don't look for love, it finds you.
Comment from Flowergirl13
All the dating scenes are just about the same...I'm a "nice girl" who used to be able to open doors for the guys I dated because chivalry can go both ways. Most of them enjoyed being the recipient of this while others balked at it. I am the person who sits alone at a table and watches everyone else to see what is going on. If you are a nice guy and you can be "wild and crazy" sometimes but still hold on to your beliefs you will find that one special girl for you. We really are out there.
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