|
|
 |
|
|
Home > Dating Advice > Ask Brian > Question/Answer > Readers Respond |
|
|
|
|
|
|
 READERS RESPOND |
| |
|
|
I Feel Rejected when He Turns to Porn
Comment from braveheart17
MEN NEED VARIETY! THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE FOR HIS BEHAVIOR IT IS JUST THE HARSH TRUTH. Do not place all your emotions and sexual drive on this guy. He will not change. After a while the heat between two men dies and you cannot get it back. The fact your miserable with him and will be lonely without him is going to be very tough for a long time. Because you found someone you connected with on several levels, but you want more and expect more. Don't settle for what you can get. Tell him once, clearly and bluntly: show me the same consideration you show your cybersex men or it is all over. Don't argue. Just say: Give me what I want & need! If he can't give you an answer that is the answer. He won't give you the attention you want. Get on with your life. Steve
Comment from resmi01
I think Brian is right, but anyway, when your patner is almost of the time mastubate infront of PC, you have to think twice about your relationship in future. So you have to discuss with your patner how to solve this problem. To make understand each other, it could be better rather that ruin your relationship. Please discuss it openly what your patner really needs. To tell truth it is better for you and your patner.
Comment from JoeyName73
Dear CB, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but if your boyfriends sex drive is so much lowers than yours, than it makes absolutely no sence why he is is masturbating with others on webcam or looking at photos. I can only give this advice because i lived with a porn addict for three years and lost all of my self esteem. Yes I know i had a co-dependency isssue to work out within this relationship three years in retrospect. But if you have begun to distrust him and he has begun too pull away from what used to be a healthy sexual relationship with you then i think that this has alot more to do with you than with him. You cannot fix someone who has an addiction to anything. If he is willing to manipulate and lie and get angry at you for feeling hurt, rejected, and disrespected then quite honestly i think its time you did some soul seaarching for yourself. because before you know it. If you havent allready got there. you are not going to enjoy going to movies, Diner, Parties or whatever else it is you do that you guys do together without wondering what he is really looking at and what he is really getting excited about. Babae I have been there, It hurts and its devestating. But like i said. three years being alone and getting rid of that from my life has opened doors spiritually, mentally, physically, and has given me my self worth and esteem back which no man will ever take from me again. Forgive me for rambling but id sugest that if he is willing to go to counseling for his porn addiction than you still may have a chance to be the happy couple you uses to be. And im not living with blinders on pretending that thee arent both beautifull men and women all around Gods green earth. But if you allow this man to take youre self worth and esteem away from you, it may be the costliest mistake you will ever make. I must say though in his defence that he may very well just like on occation to masturbate. It may not have anythining at all to do with the love he feelds for you and yes people do masturbate even when they are married. You cannot nor he cannot be there twenty four seven and be everything at everymoment for you or vice versa. Yuo either love and trust him, or you dont. If you start to notice though that he is pulling away more and more from wanting to be intimate with you then by all means do what it takes to save it, talk about it and work it out. It could just really be a case of spilled milk on the table so to speak. Good luck and God Bless...
Get help from a qualified therapist. Brian's answer is not accurate. It has nothing to do with shyness. It has to do with fear and not wanting to examine the inability to commit...even with a soul mate. This relationship is doomed unless you get help. If you stay in it without resolution, you will be enabling this man to continue on a down ward spiral and you yourself will end up bitter and resentful.
Comment from chiman02
Shy? Reserved? What kind of bullshit answer is this?!? CB's partner clearly has deep problems with intimacy and he's probably becoming an Internet porn addict. He can't deal with a real person and he needs more and more cyberfantasy sexual contact. Now it's at the unacceptable point that CB is sitting alone evenings while his lover is having sex on the Internet with someone else. Why would anyone with a modicum of self-respect allow himself to be treated this way? CB should ask his partner to see a couple's counselor with him so they can sort through this very serious problem. If the partner refuses, CB should move on.
Comment from joe_biloxi
This might also be a sign of sexual addiction via porno and the internet, very common with gay men. In that case, some therapy might be recommended and a 12 step recovery group like SA or SCA.
Comment from michel14
Dear CB, I read your letter with great interest. I had a similar problem with my boyfriend a few years ago. I am gay and had a wonderful sexual life with him at the beginning. Then gradually he started losing sexual interest in me and I wondered why. After nerarly five years of reflecting on the matter, the solution struck me. I stopped thinking about sex completely. After a short interval of surprise on his part, he started desiring me and now wants it all the time! The key of success is not to think about- never think about it, and he'll want you all the time! After all, a satisfying sexual life is essential to emotional balance, isn't it?!!! Bye, Michel
He too busy with himself. DUMP HIM!! Domn't waste your time and energy investing with this guy.
Comment from hope
If you are sure that he is not going outside the relationship thenmate youa re kind of a lucky man I see alot of similarity in what Im going through with my partner who is also going out an getting it on the side I though am unfortunately moving on as I feel there is no respect left and that he is putting a risk for me. So Im playing the she devil like Roseanne ruining him for all the hurt and emotions and vested time and money on him to get at least a temporary solace though seeing him hurt does twinge alot but I believe that one gotta stand up, if you are giving your best, trying everything within you to make things work you deserve some good in return. Otherwise help yourself out and maybe someone nice would just around the corner all the best mate
Comment from Al
Dear CB, What brian suggests and feels is right. You should not get emotional about this situation, you two seem to be together for so long which means there's definitely something strong going between two of you. may be you go too fast in love making, and he wants it slow and many times a day. mastrubation is good between two partners. it also depends how imaginative you are to make him want you more. he definitely comes across as shy person. may be he feels your not liking him on the net and mastrubating objecting and feels that you don't like to have sex many times a day. make him feel that you would do be ready for as many times he wants. you try mastrubating alone when he is not, and make sure he catches you mastrubating and watch his response, he joins you then you have your answer. you will know he wants frequent sex during the day. As brian said, you haven't mentioned how many times you desire, so we can't say whether you being pitty or expecting too much. it could be that you are not giving him much. how often you guys touch each other when busy in daily activities, do you guys bathe together, cook together, clean the house together and during all this how much you guys come in physical contact with each other apart from making love, which i guess here, is more of a act when you two feel mentally prepared. in my relationship it can happen during cooking or cleaning the house, washing the car, (indoor) or bathing. you need to make him feel that he's the most passionate man in your life, he has the best or the only body you would like to have sex with or be in physical contact with. CB remember what you give is what you get. getting emotional about it will not help you or him, may be he too wants you to change in some way, if i was you, at the right time i would gently ask him how would he like me to please him sexually. this amount of openess is definitely needed in a realatinship. i hope your relationship continue to grow and you worries disappear and both of you are together forever.
Comment from ztucker
If you have or have access to a second PC, why not "meet" him for cyber sex from time to time? Have a special screen name and don't make a regular ritual of it. Unless he wants to.
Because he is not gay like you. He cant get an errection on your muscular body but rather a sexy woman's body.
Comment from dboy1167
Dear Brian;First of all I love getting your articles. I have a responce to cb. First of all Life is short. We dont get the ideal relationship. He wants to spend his life with someone but in his eyes it has to be what he wants and cant be content with what he has. I am 38 and have been single for 6 yrs now and would give alot to just have someone by my side. Doesnt this guy appreciate just having someone to love. yes It may be upsetting to have my mate heving cyber sex.but we as individuales dotnt control our impulses or drive. Its better to love than never loved at all. If cb feels incomplete in his relationship when it comes to sex perhaps he should join his partner on this cyber sex perhaps that will open up some adventure.I have a few questions for you about my self but will save for another time Thanks again and good luck cb.
I would not agree with you by saying he is shy and does not like to be exposed to another person in any kind of way. I think that he has been satisfied with his partner but not anymore. He is looking for something different, something new.
Comment from sparky
Get used to the lack of lovemaking. I am a married guy and my wife never had much of an interest in sex. No amount of trying to make it happen will work if you partner doesn't have interest in getting close to you. I have been taking care of my own needs for over 10 years now. It's a lonely way to be when you have someone in your life who is supposed to be your partner.
Comment from Fabienne
If you and your partner had been together six years instead of six months, I'd say, 'Get yourself some porn and loosen up a bit.' But this kind of behaviour after only six months concerns me. He is ignoring your physical and emotional needs. This is not a true partnership and I think a true, loving partnership is what you are seeking. It's not really the porn that is the problem, it's that he's shutting you out of his life. He is not likely to change. You will wither from his lack of attention - I know cause I've been there. You already are wondering if there is something wrong with YOU for wanting to be close to him. My advice - run like hell. You'll find another 4th of July, I promise. Find someone who wants to be a true partner and the sparks will fly.....Best of luck
 Back to the question
Back to Advice archive |
|
| |
|
|
|
|
 |
