Valentine's Day Damage Control

I love Valentine's Day, don't get me wrong. It's a wonderful day to celebrate the perfect romance. But what if cartoon bluebirds and cherubs are not circling you and your beloved?

What if:

• Your new boyfriend is scoping for inaugural nookie on V-Day and you're not ready
• Your well-worn boyfriend is already bitching about crass commercial holidays
• You don't know what gift to give a prospective lover without seeming like a stalker
• You screwed up at Christmas and now it's a big gift for her or you get the shaft

February 14th isn't all flowers and hearts. You have to look out for the thorns and arrows too. Herewith, a short primer on cutting the red wire or the green one to defuse potentially explosive Valentine's Day situations decidedly not of the Love, American Style variety.

Give the People What They Want

If you're dealing with a date, crush, lover or other significant other, realize first that what your partner wants from Valentine's Day and you is some combination of the following:

• To avoid dejection ("she doesn't love me!") or vilification ("he's a stingy ass!")
• To be recognized as a hero or goddess
• To advance their hidden agenda
• To get a clear status report on the relationship

Yes, everybody has a hidden agenda. It may be to get through Valentine's Day without being hated by their partner. It may be one last chance for the commitment-phobe to shine or he's history. It may be to slip the cute boy in class the best Valentine's card in the box without coming on too strong. (There is usually at least two of every card in the box so that when you screw up and write "To Brain" instead of "To Brian" your fourth-grade future is not lost.) Or if you're a florist, Valentine's Day is to you what April 15 is to accountants.

The more you can figure out what your beloved wants ahead of time, the less you have to fear.

The Difficult Dilemma

If you're in that uncomfortable situation where you're trying to slow things down, my advice is to go out in public. Still do the light and lovely Valentine's Day theme, like a nice dinner out and flowers, but go for a fun restaurant rather than one with violinists, and go for really pretty flowers other than roses.

Opt for crowds, and remark about how cute Valentine's Day is. Talk about nephews and nieces putting together homemade valentines. Buy some candy hearts. Go to the Rocky Horror Picture Show in drag. Do anything but be alone together.

What She Wants

Now, assuming you aren't in a position of slamming on the brakes. Let's get a few things straight. She may tell you Valentine's Day isn't important to her and not to get her anything, but she's lying. So what are you supposed to get for her? Whatever you do, make sure it's a romantic gift. This is not the time to buy her that cordless drill you think she needs. Flowers are almost always appropriate, and the safest bet is roses. If they're not roses, she'll wonder why.

Personal, quirky romantic gifts are fine. Watch two things, though-- the schmaltz level and the do-me level. That is, a nice piece of jewelry says the same thing as a teddy bear, but without the possible "he's a lovesick dork" factor. That's the schmaltz level. The do-me level is that fine line where lingerie is or isn't going to be well-received. Consider the potential:

• "You want me to wear that?!"
• "Pervert!"
• "That's a really bright red, you know."
• "Why did you get me a size 14? I'm a size 8, pig!"
• "Mmmhmm." (Translation: "Where are my roses?")
• "Hmm. My my." (Translation: "I'm not putting it on until you're on one knee, bucko. Where's my ring?")
• "So did anybody model this for you?"
• "You're such a wonderful friend, thank you."
• "But Uncle Bob..."

Given all these and the potential that she may later be wearing the lingerie you bought to titillate her next lover makes flowers, jewelry or some other feminine thing a possibly safer choice. Should your love not go the distance together, remember that flowers die and go away; jewelry says she dated a manly guy with great taste and lingerie may say you just wanted to do her. She'll remember that when she's doing him.

I secretly think this is the real reason a Victoria's Secret store manager confessed to me that their biggest seller at Valentine's Day is white terrycloth bathrobes. I picture hordes of men debating between the red marabou see-through devil peek-a-boo and the lace-up frilly black bustier, defaulting to "something she can really use" (or exchange) and getting out of the store without an erection.

Women want a gift that's a reflection of how you think of them. Roses say she's spectacular (and possibly that you love her-- depends on the note enclosure), jewelry says you value her and think of her as your beautiful girl, lingerie says you're surging on hormones and think she's hot or easy or both. Therefore, combination gifts can be effective. Lingerie is a gift best given in combination with flowers, jewelry or some other feminine gift that does not scream nookie. Then, possibly, you'll get some.

What He Wants

I'm afraid Valentine's Day is often one of those gender-role holidays where it's the studlier party's job to do the gifting. The receiver's role may be:

• to figure out what to say to divert the lovesick dorks sending all those roses
• to be the perfect flirty girlfriend not pushing for romance but graciously receiving it
• to negotiate just how high to allow the level of sexual intimacy to proceed on Valentine's night
• to break a stubborn old boyfriend of Valentine's Day amnesia forever

If you're the girl, it's really your role typically to give little reciprocal gifts rather than going and chasing your caveman with bunches of flowers (but you know your relationship). Think a nice card, dinner, lingerie. That is, lingerie that you've bought and you are wearing. I think the fastest way to break a boyfriend of hatred of Valentine's Day is to... (Well, wait a second, why again are you with this jerk?)... Is to turn up the cute-as-a-button sexiness all day in such a way that he'll spend the next 364 days looking forward to Valentine's Day again. I'm not saying greet your lover at the door wearing strategically placed petals - which can be a recipe for instant performance anxiety. I am saying wear something red, preferably with little hearts, and definitely really cute lingerie. I am saying burn candles all day or pop a red light bulb in the bedroom lamps. Think saucy, not romantic.

If you think your honey still fears Cupid, plan something to do together that's guy-friendly. Shoot pool but wear a red miniskirt. Tell him to come over and you'll grab dinner - but you really have to work at home part of the evening and don't want to make a big deal out of Valentine's. Then do your work in librarian glasses, wearing a teddy, drinking wine and mouthing the lines of your report almost out loud with perfectly lined cherry-red lips. And act distracted. Or ask for his help picking out new knobs at the big warehouse home supply store. Dress in jeans, a short crop top and a see-through red-and-white bra. Then keep reaching for stuff on the high shelves. And order a hot dog and soda on the way out. Take a long time to eat it. You get the idea. Then have some fun waiting at home and keep it light, not serious.

Now, I understand that some of these suggestions sound on the trite side, not necessarily what would appeal to an enlightened man... oh wait a minute... yes they would.

- by Donna Howell, Featured Guest Writer.

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