Many men and women find themselves falling into patterns of getting involved with the “wrong” kind of partner. This may prove to be frustrating, resulting in a helpless feeling. The question “Why?” is often asked. “Why do I keep getting involved with the same kind of men/women?” Well, let me tell you. It is because you aren't looking for early warning signs that signal you to get away. It might also mean that you are unaware of the warning signs but rationalize their potential ramifications. Be that as it may, you are attracted to that “bad” trait or traits in men/women. Consequently, those characteristics lead to unhealthy relationships.

The only way to avoid repeating harmful patterns is to be able to recognize the adverse signs early on. The earlier you see the signs, the easier it is to avoid getting hurt emotionally. Change is not comfortable. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you will have to learn to be attracted to a different type of person. To do this, you need to make slight changes. The easiest is to redirect your first conversations with people you find attractive. These conversations should take on a purpose of screening for unwanted traits.

When a woman, for instance, gets caught up in conversation with an attractive man, it's easy to get lost in his voice, eyes, touch, and so on. Before you know it, the conversation meanders without a focus and you have no idea if he shares similar bad traits as your ex. But, you don't have to let this happen.

You can set your goal to unveil his “crucial topics” (issues that broke your previous relationship(s)). For instance, if your ex was an alcoholic, keep an eye out for how much he or she drinks and how important alcohol is in his or her life. The key is to be casual and not make it sound like you're interrogating. Keep in mind that he or she will have no idea what you are thinking, only that you are having light conversation.

I'm sure you have the idea: make a point of finding the signs of the relationships that have impacted your past relationships negatively. Regardless of how attracted you are to someone, don't rationalize the red flags waving in front of your eyes. Making excuses for these will lend itself to the same results you had with the last person — a bad relationship. 

- by Nancy Fagan, M.S., Featured Guest Writer

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